you.me.and a thousand different ways.

Monday, December 25, 2006

blessed christmas everyone!

i'm thankful about all those gifts i've received, and learnt long ago from a dear friend that we shouldn't be too critical about gifts. big, small, huge, tiny - whatever. if it's from the heart, you'll know it, and you'll love it.

that same friend reminded me that we just can't take too much things to heart, and be too quick to judge.

coming home from dinner with my cousins, i wanted to open the gifts real quick, like a child racing down the stairs on Christmas morning. yet as i was doing that, the excitement in my heart over the unopened gifts was not for the majority.

then i thought about the morning, and i don't know, it just was pretty saddening. i saw some eyes, and those disappointment spoke forth millions. we had the good, and there was the bad.

prior to writing this, i was reading may's blog, and i really agreed with one thing she said. "you don't have to return me one, just because i gave you one."

so what if it's just candy? you got the candy, someone else didn't.

and you know what?
maybe that someone wanted that candy more than you could ever loathe it.

and while the thrills of receiving gifts bring joy to the hearts of all, let's not forget the real reason why we honour Christmas.

and as we remember the wonderful birth of our Saviour at such humble and un-glam conditions, let's just be thankful about what we've received (in so many different ways), and try, just try, not to be critical.

for Jesus Christ is never critical of you, and interceeds for you - even when you're at the lowest of the lows.

04:55 | com[ments] |

Thursday, December 21, 2006

today, shopping was done with a real vengeance.
i can't remember when was the last time i shopped this mad. probably.. last christmas.

for six hours, i had this game that i've made up all by myself, a game that was all about shopping. the goal? to choose the perfect gifts, while at the same time being careful to not overspend.

when i really got down to getting it done, the feeling was electrifying.
and the victory that i felt when i realised that i had bought gifts for everyone without even exceeding the budget.

talk about shiok!

of course, the fact that i only needed to wrap a small small portion of those gifts made me feel even better. thank goodness for free (and accumulative receipts) gift wrapping. everyone knows i can't draw (or cut) a straight line for nuts.

wrapping the remaining of the gifts that couldn't be done by the shops was fun as well. to listen (my extremely hoarse voice doesn't allow much singing now) to songs, dancing around the living room (dance! MAMBO! boogie wonderlanddddd) was terrifically high.

of course, the energy level couldn't sustain the high, so i was contented to just complete the wrapping and think about the people i love.

and did those thoughts fly like mad.

for a while, those thoughts lingered to people whom i've cared for, and somehow lost in someway or another, in reasons i never really understood. i thought about the times where we had say how the festive season would bring out so much joy in our hearts, how we would celebrate those occasions; and, strangely and sadly, how those thoughts have faltered.

and a song started to play out of the playlist, seemingly resonating the ruminations.

"i watch you suffer a dull and aching pain, now you decided to show me the same"

"i know i dreamed you a sin and a lie, i have my freedom but i don't have much time"

for a while, those melancholy moments lingered. and the strong desire to try to do something returned. but really, when the choices aren't mine, i'm totally incapacitated. so rather than hoping for something, its probably better to let things remain that way.

i don't have so much time (or energy) and courage (or strength) to be put to waste.

23:06 | com[ments] |

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

and let the blessings/celebrations/food feast begin!

was out having dinner with the delightful ones on monday night. i hated the "dressing up" part, but it was mainly because of the dreadful weather. but it was cozy right inside prego's, and yes, though we all agreed that spending money on pasta wasn't quite worth it, but we had a great time, talking about our lives, relationships, impending relationships, and enjoying the fellowship. the accompanying choir serenading us helped to create a real christmas-y atmosphere, which made everything seem strangely peaceful - so contrasting to the stormy weather outside.

tuesday was a KFC feast right at home, with chy, y.y & taoying. it wasn't with the full gang, but then again, we've never had the full cast anyway, and somehow or another, have grown to be contented with the fact that at least we still are around for each other. it was still pouring then, and everyone was complaining about the weather, but dinner was nice. we poked fun, teased, laughed, broke into big giggles when we heard may and grace and kaishi break out into weird songs in the bedroom (they suddenly understand what i meant when i say these girls are crazy!), talked about having put on weight, to the most bizarre: how we would look like pregnant - and shared future plans with each other. great hopes for the year ahead, and some of us will begin not as wonderfully as we had originally planned it would. but oh well, things happen.

pictures are posted here.

and i'm so glad the rain has stopped (temporarily). because it's time to complete the rest of the shopping (i'm so last minute, i know). its thrilling to see the anxiety in hearts trying to get the best gifts for their loved ones. and fun to all sit around, and enjoy dinner and time with each other.

which really is quite scary, if you ask me.

because when you think about all the food that you're gonna be consuming in the next few days, the only thing i can say is this:

everyone, 30 minutes on the flabelos everyday!

10:23 | com[ments] |

Monday, December 18, 2006

"And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith."

matthew 13:58

it's really simple isn't it? how can we ask Him for miracles when there's a lack of faith? we can't just say, "we want to see a miracle," and demand that it happens.

there will be times where our (lackof) faith will be placed on the line, where we question ourselves what we'd really trust the Lord in. and i'd admit it, i'm struggling with it right now. as much as i hope and try to be optimistic and hopeful about the situation, i am questioning Him. it should really be about "how" instead of "why"; but i can't help it. it's just not easy.

this christmas, instead of asking for all the presents (gifts are still a bonus by the way *grinz*), all i want out of christmas this year is for him to recover.

for other than my dad and the One above, he is the only other man i've loved wholeheartedly, and unconditionally.

00:39 | com[ments] |

Sunday, December 10, 2006

"he stood between the living and the dead, and the plague stopped."

numbers 16:48

today pastor ruth preached about the hearts of us all, how we somehow seem to be lacking the guts to stand in the gap, to save one more, to go the extra mile, to make a difference. how we sometimes lack courage, need compassion, seek conviction and require consecration.

we sometimes go to God with a heart that's not devoted to worshipping Him alone, we all have ropes that need to be untied by God, and we all need to not allow Sundays in church be a mundane ritual.

we all see gaps all around our lives, yet we don't do anything about it. we speak forth of the desire to be God-conscious, that we all will love, in the like manner of God; yet we always place limitations or checkpoints to how much we would love them. we lack the agape love.

i struggle with it all the time. and it grows to be a major contradiction. yes, we all want to do that, but how can we in that manner, or behave that way, when we're often placed in situations where praising Him could be the hardest?

what pastor ruth said was true: we really do love to a certain extent, and give up after that. 'fess up: how many of us really do love endlessly and selflessly?

i've given up on many people often, and grown to be so selfish at times. i've abandoned situations, abandoned people, and ran away. i've been discouraged, even by my own family and my closest friends. when hurt and betrayal grows to become far too often, i simply lack the strength, the energy and the courage to go through these vicious cycles again and again.

yet, in order to live God-consciously, wouldn't these be things that we'd go through?

if we understand this, why do our hearts still grow cold?

21:17 | com[ments] |

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

because the mind's made up about this already for a while, writing about it now makes it a lot easier.

gone are the days where i'd be using the heart to make decisions - it's time to allow wisdom to take over, and use the brain for once.

i've been very idealistic, i'd admit. kept convincing myself that it wasn't just pure coincidence that we met, even though it can be the most far-fetched scenario anyone could have thought of. kept believing that if we both have the determination and the courage to iron out all those issues, it would have worked out for the best.

or so i (we?) thought.

truth is, it wasn't love at all, but just an infatuation that lasted too long.
i don't think it can grow turn hot/cold so quickly.

going away made me realise a lot of things, and being home never quivered the decision.

it took a lot out of me then to have mentioned the all important "T" word, knowing that the word itself was the catalyst that drove things to its grave previously. there was so much fear, so much uncertainty, and still, i wanted to give it a shot.

yet, we never really agreed upon how, and/or how much we would be trying, did we?

maybe my efforts weren't 100%, but i would boldly say it was more.

busyness, we all go through that, don't we?

the change was so rapid, as though we were strangers leaving in opposite ends of the world.
the usual communciations had grown to become so hard, as though there's this invisible door that's creating a blockage between the simplest 'hellos'.
the helplessness grew, and i didn't know how/what to do.

perhaps it's my expecations, something too much to ask for - i'm not sure. but i won't dwell or question anymore.

should there be a need (for anyone) to take the blame, it should be mostly of me, and my naviety. and even though there's lots of hurt and disappointment, i'll also say that it's all self-inflicted, no part of it belonging to anyone else.

since i've learnt (from the past) how my naivety can be an assassin of emotional crimes, i'm making sure that history does not repeat itself.

the past few months felt like a screenplay that was written to be a blockbuster hit.

so before this storyline gets written to be too out-of-hand and requires editing, do allow the actress to bow out of the scene gracefully.

for these waters have run dry, so it's time for us to just let it burn.

23:46 | com[ments] |