you.me.and a thousand different ways.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

what hurts the most was being so opposed
and having so much to say, in watching you walk away
and never knowing, what could have been
and seeing that loving you was what i'm trying to do

you know what really makes you miserable at the end of the year? is when you think ahead of what's been happening in the past year, and you feel like smacking yourself because it just didn't seem as fabulous as you had originally planned for it to be.

so here's my resolution(s) for the new year, only they're not resolution(s), but wishes - because i don't know if i can manage. ultimately, the wish for the year ahead is to have my determined streak back on a roll and having that hectic life. ok slap me if you wish, but that hectic life is sometimes the most fulfilling one. at least i know i'm not wasting my time away.

but yes, that vacation is pending. hopefully i get to try something new.

new year's ~~resolution(s)~~ wishes for 2006:

save money (last year said the same thing but i'm as broke as ever)
travel around: vacation! (similarly, said the same thing last year but.. look at me now!)
spend time with myself (that's because i realized, if i don't have personal "me" time i'll go crazy)
new career propsectives (off with the clinic, more teaching, more interesting propects - i seriously don't mind playing piano at hotels)
spend time with my family and friends more (ok, this needs more work as the months go by)
improvements in time management (perhaps, perhaps not)
no boyfriends (honestly, if i can survive 1 year, i can survive another. and besides, God comes first now)
good grades (in everything yeah?)
friendships to last, love to grow, faith to remain
God to reign supreme in my heart (and that all important spiritual walk to grow stronger)

so here's to a year of some things good and bad, and prayers of a fabulous year ahead as we reach that all important age of *gasp* 21!

God, please let whatever it is be in Your way, and let it be what You want me to have.

i sat out on a narrow way many years ago
hoping i will find truth love, along that broken road
but i got lost in a time or two, when my life came pushing through
i couldn't see how every sign, pointed straight to you

01:08 | com[ments] |

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

i'll be at your side
there's no need to worry
together we'll survive
through the haste and hurry
i'll be at your side
if you feel like you're alone
and you know you've got no where to turn
i'll be at your side

my monitor crashed out of nowhere last week, hence my appearance here has been much delayed. it's not as though i have much to update anyways. christmas came and is still going on, but except for the dinner at aunt sheela's on new year's, think everything has more or less chilled.

met up wif my darlings juz 5 days before christmas. yep we gossip like nobody's business, but we also bonded. really fun to have had everyone around for that dinner, and it was just so good to catch up! we should do it more often we say, but it's always so hard to get everyone around.

speaking of which, robby, you owe me a big dinner or lunch ok? how can you be back for 1 month and forget about my existance? *grinz*

24th..
and the play on christmas eve.. it was just so amazing.

i lamented about the fact that we practiced so hard for 30 mins of show time, but that 30 mins was so glorifying, so marvellous for God. it felt different, it sounded different. it was different. it was God's hands at work.

thank you Lord.

25th..
after attending service on christmas day, was really too tired to do anything. the last few days before christmas was so busy, spending time with friends, rehearsals, shopping, wrapping gifts those kinda things. little josephine came over for dinner, and we all laughed about the fact that this has sooooooo become her 3rd home. so excited about julius's birth! i'm gonna be an aunt again on the 18th!

went over to eunice's place for our annual exchange. over pizzas, chicken wings and satays, we set around her room, talking about lost loves, broken hearts, and that impending wedding.. everyone had different opinions about their dresses, but it felt as though eunice was the one getting married actually! she had the most about the dress(es), from the colour, to the designs.. everyone was rolling their eyes at her really.

but it was nice to have hung out together on our own. sometimes it's so hard when the older folks are around. so hard to talk properly.

26th..
xian dan & keryn came over early on boxing day to help with the cooking. xian dan forgot to bring clothes! and hence was banned out of the kitchen, but she helped with the decorations of the whole dinner table. but dinner was fun, wif pika of coz, spicing up the occasion wearing that santa outfit! it was great.. i enjoyed it tons and tons!!

christmas was great. and the year ahead promises to be even better i know. God always promises to provide us with a wonderful future, and not to leave us alone no matter what. the year has been one of ups and downs, but ultimately, i am truly blessed.

shout outs & thanks,
God, for being a part of my life, and for loving me, and being mindful of me so much.
my family (cousins & everyone else), thanks for all the laughter, the joy and even the sorrow. coz it's the notwithstanding patience and love that you have for me that moulds me to be a better person day by day.
lor lor, ying, cheeky, yanzhen, ryl, chyn, jun, for the wonderful friendships that's lasted a turbulence after another.
serene & joanne, for being the beautiful person you both are inside your hearts, and being who you are. we truly live up to the reputation of our nicknames!
everyone in class, for teaching the 'uneducated' me and making me smile. i do smile because i don't know what's going on, but then again, you all are the funniest jokers around! thanks for all the luuurrrvvvee!
marcus, for always remembering to call me when it's christmas, and reminding me of my xiao bu dian-ness.
lyuina, for your friendship. and being there for me. i'm here for you too, realize that ya?
all other friends, too long a list to mention, but thanks for brightening up my life!

though i gave you my best
but it wasn't enough
you took advantage, of my trusting heart
tried my best to forgive
did my best to forget
i'm done with the tears
and there ain't no regrets

14:13 | com[ments] |

Thursday, December 15, 2005

everytime i feel alone
i can blame it on you, and i do
you got me like a loaded gun, golden sun
and the sky's so blue

met up with sharene, zoe & meh meh on tuesday night for our monthly dinner-cum-catch up sessions. of coz, everyone has got their own fair share of news, so conversations flowed the way drinks would. it got to a point when we were discussing about our futures after NYP, and i think we are just very thankful that we've all gotten good jobs and/or are blessed with a certain prospect. i mean, sharene's working at shangri-la at events, zoe's at hsbc and meh meh's at PIL, and i'm studying. in a way, we're blessed in our own ways, and to have remain in touch thru these months is something i know we're thankful about.

was supposed to hit the streets on wednesday with nick, emily & samuel but a change of plans had everyone stuck at home today. filled with the urge & encouragement from everyone to 'try something new', i plucked up my courage and went to the hairdresser to get my curls that i've always wanted.

responses from everyone varied from the good - "nice, nice! great on you!"; to the bad - "ok lah, now you're half ugly".

*shrugs* oh well, at least i tried.

to me, it's an achievement by itself. a start of all things new? perhaps. i feel different with the hair really. somehow or another, it has a weird effect on me. like shredding away the old, and taking up the new.

after rehearsals at church a whole bunch of them for roti pratas across the street, but i went off with nick, jasper & joel to eat at chomps. we sat, wolved down the stingrays, you tiaos, hokkien mee, rojak & sugar cane juice. but we still chatted, still talked, still had a good time.

but now, all those food has made me so bloated. it's gonna be hard going to bed.

sometimes i watch the world go by
i wonder how it's like
to wake up every single day, a smile on your face
you never tried

02:08 | com[ments] |

Monday, December 12, 2005

how can i live without You
how can i survive
without Your love, without Your touch
You're the one that heals me
cleanses my heart
and sets me free

the performance was quite good. of course, being the senior of them all, i've heard the VE in a much better condition before, but i'd say that it was a good job well done. i enjoyed the performance. i hope everyone else enjoyed it too.

what i heard the past few days about the clinic is pretty scary business. it's really making me think twice about my work place, my work situation. i was too tired to really put them all into much thought when anna jie mentioned it to me on friday, but now that i'm more sober, i can think straight and i think we are all seriously considering other choices. i'm still keeping it in prayer though.

saturday night was a real fun evening out with everyone. the laughing, the gossiping, the talking, the teasing, the scandals... so endless! (what else is new anyway?)

fun week ahead. nicely planned with shopping, more shopping and dinners and catch up sessions with a few close friends. christmas is so near! can't wait actually~!

i bent down. i cried. i wept. i poured my heart and soul out. i allowed You to take away my pride that i've always held so strongly inside. i've done many wrongs. i'm truly undeserving of Your Love. yet You gave me the most precious gift of all. i don't want to be merely saved by grace. i want more. much more. i want a passion for You that's not lukewarm. i want a drive for You that's stronger than the wheels on formula1.

i'm don't want to boast of an upscale climb; i want to be humble at Your feet. teach me Lord. to be sensitive to the feelings of my loved ones. i'd rather it be my feelings that's broken and bruised. it's easier. i'd rather be responsible for my own feelings than feel a weight pulling my spirit down.

you, i'm sorry if i hurt you or upset you. i know it's hard for you, but please try to understand how i feel about it all. i don't, and can't be pushed into something that i have absolutely no faith in. i don't have the guts to take up the challenge; i'm too tied. it's for the best. really.

now i can before You
with my hands lifted up
and my heart humbly bowed
at Your work on the cross
as You hung there and died
You were paying the price for my life

16:40 | com[ments] |

Thursday, December 08, 2005

i don't want a lot for christmas
there is just one thing i need
i don't care about the presents
underneath the christmas tree
i just want you for my own
more than you could ever known
make my wish come true
all i want for christmas, is you

*grinz* i can imagine keryn or xian dan or papa joel rolling their eyes at this thing above! guys, it's either this song, or that shake your tail feather thingy from chicken little. (no, i've not catched the movie but the soundtrack rocks!) make do ok?

performance on friday! gosh! *grabs a deep breath* breathe, breathe!! CPR! CPR!!

ok they're all in good shape. i mean, it's only 15 songs, and they're not memorising it at all. it's so much easier as compared in the past, when hoon made us memorise everything! maybe kok leong realises that these people can't be pushed too much, but it sounds good.

please pray pray pray pray that i can hit that super high C during phantom of the opera. it's the climax of the whole performance, and i know kok leong's super dependent on me to do it well.

and i'm so glad i managed to convince them all, that sarongs are so not the 'in' thing.

spiritually, i'm on a high. i know we all have our fair share of ups and downs, and i think i'll be upfront in admitting that i have had down days. these past few days have been real wonderful days. oh yeah, i had my fair share of weeping and tearing, but the Lord's good. He provides. and i'm blessed to know that i've not fallen ill, and i know that i'm not gonna fall sick too. i'm blessed to know that my voice has never sounded any better (so says kok leong), and all the last minute changes made today (like, 234667 of them) are things i know i can handle.

i'm seriously thinking about emailing hoon to tell her how much kok leong's been bullying me during choral practices! *grinz*

these few days have been days of surrendering, peace, joy, and great awesomeness with the Lord. i'm seeing things and appreciating all the small things that we take for granted so easily everyday. if we just 1 step back, and look around you, we'd find so many things to praise and thank God for. i can go on and on about what i'm thankful about really... we all have. just that we are all really hypocrites when we say we don't want people to take us for granted, but we take the most important person for granted.

the poem that sharene gave me the last time round still reminds close to my heart. i cried a buckets' full when it was given to me, because it spoke to my heart so much then. but now, it's a reminder to me, that my relationship with God's the most important to me. nothing else should come in between this.

and i'm glad that He's opening the door to new opportunities ahead. i'm excited about it.

didn't want to leave you with the wrong impression
didn't want to leave me with my last confession, of love
wasn't trying to put you in the wrong direction
all i want to do is try to make a connection, of love

00:37 | com[ments] |

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

"Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent.
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." - Revelation 3:19-20

i have a very strong testimonial over the weekend. i saw how God works in ways that are so miraculous, and unable to comprehend. i saw how much He loves me. He really truly does. ask me about it, and i'll tell you. *grinz*

My God is an awesome God. and everyone, don't think that He doesn't care for you, because, even the most undeserving human being is the most precious child in His eyes. His love heals me with a depth even deeper than the oceans. His love will redemn your life in the most wonderful, most awesome and most magical way.

If you'll let Him.

Lord, i'm sorry i hadn't been a disciplined and obedient child. i'm sorry i hadn't been able to listen and be attentive to the quiet knocks you've been giving me. i know it pains you to see me go through hurt, pain and tears because You love Your children so much, yet You had to put us through all of that just so that we'd learn to depend and lean on You more. i feel your ache, and i'm ashamed at what I put you through. i promise to be attentive, and listen.

the feeling after piano exam was actually indifferent. i think in my heart i'm just glad it's all over.

thanks to everyone who's been encouraging me and praying for me. special shoutouts to xian dan, nicole( i miss you leh!), nick, samuel, papa joel, ken, keryn (i miss you sister!), for putting me on track! really appreciated!

lately i've been torn apart
i wish you hadn't broke my heart
i'm missing you, missing you everyday
lately, been thinking about you
just sitting away, watching the days go by

09:20 | com[ments] |

Saturday, December 03, 2005

if you could see, what i see
you're the answer to my prayer
and if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
you will know, it will be clear
that angels brought me here

the art of surrendering is not something that i've been able to master. i've learnt to work for my own survival since the day when i was 12, and time stood still for all things magical. life to me then, was going to NOT be a bed of roses, but just filled of thorns and edges, all things sharp and painful.

but when i was on my own today, thinking and meditating about everything, i realized the need to surrender. unlike all lost souls, i'm a saved baby. unlike all wonderlust, i can return to the arms of my Father who loves me unconditionally.

i realized i cannot handle everything on my own. and that i cannot handle anything on my own.

realising the truth felt good. releasing all my emotional burdens and pressures of the world felt surprisingly light. relieved.

is these how it is supposed to feel like? to surrender it all to my Maker and letting Him handle it all? it's a tremendous load off.

but then again, i know that it's not something that i can do with a blink of an eye. the independence streak is strong inside, and would always be so.

the notion to do that has been strong since everything begun to fall apart. i knew the consequences of the matters; yet i was naive enough to believe that maybe this time round, maybe something would shine. i cannot forever be pleasing. i'm getting a little too naive for my own good. it appears that being independent and responsible for my own feelings, my own life are what's most important now. papa joel was right. if i dun take responsibility for my own feelings and how i feel about things, the person that will get hurt the most eventually is not the people that i care about, but really... just me.

things are going to be in a different order now. i'll just focus on things that i know i can handle. at the same time, after these all, it'd be just my dreams that i fulfill.

and my feelings that i fight to guard and protect.

what am i supposed to do with all these blues?
haunting me, everywhere no matter what i do
watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
i can't let go
when will the night be over?

01:26 | com[ments] |