Friday, October 27, 2006 i had been working on a real long blog entry throughout the day, pouring out the thoughts that have been going through my mind over the past week.

yet, just as i was ready to publish it, i decide against doing so.

it's not an unwillingness to pen it - rather, it's an unwillingness to share it.

for once, i feel the thoughts that are choking me to a certain extent are inhibiting me from even making the simplest decisions.

these ruminations can wait. the exams will come first.

23:54 | com[ments] |

Saturday, October 21, 2006 i'm done with the assignment, and it's again God's grace that has taken me through these past few days and nights. haven't been sleeping much because i really needed to get it done, but i guess this is also my form of punishment for delaying getting the assignment done.

thank you Jesus, my beautiful saviour.

my mom's leaving for shanghai again this sunday, and this time round, her presence is really needed there more, with the renovations at both beijing and shanghai ongoing, and being a form of support for nana jie when she gives birth. it's an exciting addition to the family, one that we've been waiting for quite a while as well. i thank the Lord that nana-jie's doing well, and her health is pretty alright throughout. it's really God's love that's been showering upon her, and that gives us something to be thankful about.

i know that i should really not be thinking about all those heartaches, but it really is easier said than done. as i was thinking about everything that has been happening (and working on the assignment as well), i realise my own mistakes through all of these, and admitting to myself that i had been at fault was a tough piece of humbling pie that i had to swallow. i've always been someone who's prideful (that i know), and it's rare that i'd actually admit my own faults (just ask my sis).

but of course, this time round, i know if i don't do that, i'll just have my conscience biting me for the longest time. so i've humbled myself and apologised for whatever that has happened. after all, i was at fault too.

then again, the girls told me that i wouldn't be doing that if it wasn't special to me too.

sigh.
screw me and my one-liners right pi-kia-chew?

i know we all have flaws, and my prideful mind sometimes will just refuse to admit to myself about the imperfections i have. but i know how my words can stink and pierce through the hearts of loved ones, and how i can be pretty revengeful in my words and actions, when the people dearest hurt me.

i'm not absolutely sure, but maybe it's just my way of letting them know how hurt they made me? i know now, there was no need to do anything like that (totally childish behaviour), but i really wasn't thinking straight that day. the only things that were going on in my head was, "where did all that come from?" and just how confusion quickly enveloped me. maybe it was just a way of venting frustration and confusion, but i know, a bunch of things that night tore us apart. and they were all catalysts in making the situation worse.

i guess that's why people like family and friends and loved ones tend to hurt us more. when these hurts happen, sometimes we try to swallow it and let it run deep in the ruins of our hearts and pretend that everything is alright, but the truth is that it really was not, but we're just not willing to share it with them, because we don't want to hurt them more.

so if there's anything, it's s-p-a-c-e that's needed now.
but until we meet, may the heartaches of all cease and diminish as we grow strong.
let the rest be in God's control.
if it's yours, it's yours. if it's not, then it's not. i'm not going to play dodgeball.

08:15 | com[ments] |

Wednesday, October 18, 2006 i am not supposed to be blogging.
i am supposed to be preparing my 3000 word radio/tv journalism assignment that's due on friday.

i am not supposed to be awake, given that sleeping has become habitually difficult.
i am supposed to be asleep, catching up on the much-needed rest.

i am not supposed to allow problems to pull me down, because i know i'm much stronger than all of these.
i am supposed to be a Xena.

but...
i'm only 1/10 done with the log, i've not started writing my assignment, i have to redo my online journ assignment (since they say it wasn't hard news), teach the next two days til late, and attend lessons on thursday (since it's revision), and i've not begun revising for exams.

so, given all that, i should be all geared up to work, but i'm not.
which makes me very much screwed, left-right-centre-up-down.

all i can ask and hope for now, is God's deliverance in this. that He can carry me, and take me through these. with other matters of the heart quietly affecting, i couldn't have asked for a better timing for all these.
but i know i can.

i need to.
i'm not going to allow a breakdown.
i'm stronger than all of these.

if the Lord's for me, who can be against me?

02:17 | com[ments] |

Friday, October 13, 2006 i've always had real pride in teaching - i had a job that earned reasonably well, was something that i loved (though its really a love/hate relationship), and i was nurturing music into the hearts of these kids.

and though there have been countless times i've been frustrated and furious at the way these kids were playing (and how they were just eating up my time), i never gave up on teaching.

so it really stinks to have had the anticipation and excitement of collecting their result slips and having to see failing grades written all around them.

i know that i've done my best for these kids and i think the marker's really strict on them in general this time round, but i'm feeling quite stumped right now, having to face these kids and their parents within the next few days to relate the news to them.

i lack the ability to not empathise with them, because i care about them so much, and though i know some of them probably deserve these, i still have that guilt ringing and stinging around.

maybe it's self-inflicted, but everything just hasn't been going exactly in the way i had planned it to be.

though i also realise that i would have to learn to deal with these unhappiness and frustration as i continue to teach and establish this career for myself, but this is going to be quite hard.

18:51 | com[ments] |

Monday, October 09, 2006 we had a great time on sunday night at apple's, having our little girls' night out and just dropping whatever that we have to do (assignments, assignments, and more assignments), and enjoying each other's company.

enough said. =)



pictures are all here.

20:23 | com[ments] |

Friday, October 06, 2006

23:31 | com[ments] |

Thursday, October 05, 2006 the Lord has been impressing on me different thoughts over the past few days, and today, as we were having lunch, those thoughts seem to have suddenly hit a chord.

i know He wants me to do something about it. and because it only concerns me (for now), i'm the only one with the ability to do so.

so, i guess it's time.

i don't want to be disobedient.

but i think it's going to be real hard.

17:23 | com[ments] |

Tuesday, October 03, 2006 my (how much more) God and i have this relationship that's something like this:

i spend time with Him, then get caught up with the demands of my earthly life and somehow neglect Him, except Sundays when i'm back to focusing on being with Him. i'll go home feeling totally pathetic because i realise (yet again) how much i've neglected being with Him, and how patient and tolerant He has been of my totally unbearing behaviour. then i will strive to be a good child by (trying) to fork out more time to be with Him, only to get caught up with the demands of the earthly life (again) and forget about being with Him.

that's a vicious cycle that happens (almost) every week.
and i say i don't want to be a sunday christian.

yet he gives and gives..
"... how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!" - Luke 11:13

i can't begin to count my blessings actually: all the opportunities, all the gifts, all the unconditional love, all the miracles, all the tender loving care, all of ME. striving to be in God's consciousness is what every child of God longs to be (eventually), yet we always succumb to the world.

at least, some of us.

14:08 | com[ments] |

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