you.me.and a thousand different ways.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

the heartache no one sees.

i belong to the "silent community of the broken," hiding my pain under a veneer of busyness and perfection.

you'd think that you've gotten over all those drama, but all it takes is just one book, to bring me back to the starting point of it all.

it's not over, hasn't been over, even though there've been claims of having them left behind.

one thing remains apparent: broken hearts are much harder to heal than broken bodies.

how many times have we walked around in our life with an external injury with notable questions of "what happened?", and how many times have we walked around with a broken heart and nobody notices?

how many times has anyone put on a brave front and went on for the sake of it?

filled with the oppressive demands of life, can we safely say that the older we get, the wiser we are? or do we become more vulnerable to emotional attacks?

we end up being wounded by our powerlessness, wounded by those we trust, and we suffer in silence.

but then again, we can also say, "if you cared about me, you wouldn't have let that happened."

yet, how could they do this?

22:56 | com[ments] |

Monday, May 22, 2006

was trying to get some work done when the phone rang at 12.40am in the morning. may and i immediately screened the IDD, and it was some weird number that we've never seen before, which also means, may's not gonna pick it up. so, there i was, all rapist/stalker/kungfu-rapper alert-ed, and picked up that phone call.

"boo!"
(i was thinking, there are only a few people who would call me or sms-ed me and start off with 'boo!', but it couldn't have been... but that voice, so familiar.. but cannot be!)
"hello???"
"you know who i am or not?"
(in my heart it was, yeah i know who you are, but you couldn't be in singapore!)
"yeah lah! but are you sure you should be calling me now? where the heck are you? aren't you supposed to be sleeping?"
"me? i'm at home lah. you just wished me happy birthday, so i call you lor. want to invite you to dinner tomorrow at my place."
(and i tell you, i was completely confused. coz i know the home number of that fellow, but it just wasn't the one that was on my idd!)
"eh, don't bluff me, tell me what time it is now!"
"erm.. it's 2 plus, close to 3! fooled you!"

so there you have it, robby sucipto fooling me like nobody's business in the middle of the night, on his birthday no less! but given the fact that he has called me all the way from melb (when he could have used skype because he's the reason why i had my skype account in the first place), i shall forgive him.

ok lah, happy birthday (again)!

11:50 | com[ments] |

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

asked a question, and almost had no reply.
asked another, and had replies that had me close to tears.

thought about the changes i should make, but felt the reluctance inside my heart.
thought about the life that i have, and felt a tingling hope that's always been lingering.

her voice and that song moved me to tears.
his voice and that song had me thinking of you.

*sigh*

stolen moments.

23:28 | com[ments] |

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

so there i was, trying to get started on the journ readings (supposedly due on friday), when my mother got out of the room, preparing to go to work. as usual, she'd sit on the sofa and watch tv for a moment before going off.

so there she was, watching tv, when she suddenly exclaimed:

"waa, lisa! you got ... (silence, probably counting) 14 pairs of shoes???"

then the maid came out and said,

"got somemore in the shoe cupboard."

"huh, somemore?? you open a shoe shop at home ah?"

ok i admit, i think i have about 20 pairs. but you gotta admit, a pair of good shoes make a girl look good!

sometimes i contemplate getting rid of some of them, but i always can think of a certain event where these shoes will come in handy, and off they go again, back to the cupboard.

yep, the dilemmas of a young lady.

13:18 | com[ments] |

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

it was teaching day again on tuesday.

wanted to reach there earlier so that i could check out the cafes at arts museum, and walk through chijmes. but the storm had the unethusiastic me drag my feet all the way, screaming my lungs out at the very sound of thunder, and being drenched.

like a drop soup chicken.

think last week's bad start had more good than bad today, since everyone were surprisingly more well-behaved and attentive.

it was only when i was on my way home that i found out, my uncle(s) and mama were informed of last week's drama, and weren't the least bit pleased.

no wonder they were like angels. *grinz*
the power of authority - i'm in awe.

00:25 | com[ments] |

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

i've finally completed my assignments, but i know it wasn't my hands at work. thank you God.

given the emotions and the weird phase that i've been going thru (especially on monday night), it's amazing that i can even be on the right track of mode to complete them all.

now i only worry for them, and their assignments. i feel bad and absolutely sorry that i've dragged them down.

i know what they will say though. don't need to worry about us, we'll be fine.

yep, i know they love me. even though they can't comprehend the endless whining, nagging, and that minnie mouse voice.

*deep deep sigh*
i try. honest to God, i really do try.

yet sometimes, it just takes a little mistake to make everyone's lives go upside down.
or perhaps, it's all just me.

thinking it thru, i realised it's my fault this time round.
told myself i won't make these mistakes, but i've become a prisoner to my own crime.

sorry darlings.

13:59 | com[ments] |

Monday, May 08, 2006

thanks for the times that you've given me
the memories are all in my mind
when we are together, the moments i cherish
with every beat of my heart

and now, we've come to the end of the rainbow

18:33 | com[ments] |

Monday, May 01, 2006

it's a busy birthday week.

taoying's 21st, ken's 25th, may's 19th, and pearlyn's 16th.

sometimes i wonder, do we end up using birthdays as a reason for everyone to get together, spend time, laugh, joke, be silly, those kinda things.

the girls are forever close in my hearts, yet the only time we meet up is only when someone celebrates her birthday, and that would only happen if i had said, "let's go out."

some other friends, we meet up ocassionally, but most times it happened for the sake of it.

the people from class, we see each other often, so i guess it isn't so bad. but sometimes, even special occasions are hard.

with the family, we're really dependent on things like this. and mother's day, father's day, grandparents' birthday. of course the rest of us meet up, but not together as a group.

then everyone gets together, and you feel all sweet and ~~fussy~~ fuzzy inside because of the love you feel surrounding it.
but sometimes you have that very sad biting feeling that everyone's there for the sake of being there.

not because you really wanted to spend time with one another. not because you really wanted to make someone happy.

just because it is your responsibility.

seriously, with that mindset placed upon your heart(s), you won't end up enjoying yourself. it's just negativity poisoning your mind(s).

yet, all the negativity would only be felt if we had started to take what we've got for granted. our friends, our families, our lives, our blessings, our opportunities, whatever we've got.

we all are criminals for those, and ought to be thrown into prison for neglecting the hearts and feelings of those dearest to us.

i try my best to not fall crime to these acts, but i know i'm just as bad as any other person.

but when i see and feel these emotions and reactions coming out of people dearest and important, i feel sorry for different people, and for various reasons.

and make a promise to myself that i won't let it happen again.

but soon, the vicious cycle resumes.

til no end.

01:21 | com[ments] |