all i know is i'm lost without you
i'm not gonna lie
how i'm gonna strong without you
i need you by my side
if we ever said we'll never be together
in the end and we wave goodbye
don't know what i'll do
i'm lost without you

i went to the clinic and it was such a slow day. and you know what's the worst thing? it was a slow yet tiring day. and today, i really felt as though my patience was being tested. and sometimes, it's too much really. by the time it was 515pm, there was not a soul in the clinic, i was terribly exhausted (i'm not sure how if all i do is just sit there), i would ask myself, "why the heck am i working so hard for?"

once again.. asking myself dumbo questions that wouldn't be having much of an answer.

that is seemingly, one of the most frustrating aspects of it. happily left at 7pm and started to make my way over to pick robby up at the airport. started strolling along the streets of town and i felt carefree. it was like a "boom" thing. and guess wad was playing in my mp3.. beyonce knowles's "crazy in love". ya.. so i did my usual. singing along to it, looking at the people, not having much of a care in the world. went to plaza sing to check out if the "O" magazine was available (it was), but decided that i wasn't going to pay $14 for a magazine when i can get it at kino for only $9.70. did you know the difference in cost could buy me my favourite snack? (hmm.. i have a lot of favourite snacks.. i'm juz saying!)

so i gave up buying a magazine, and took the train to the airport to pick robby up. and for a while, i had seriously thought the train broke down. i mean, it really couldn't move! it was soooooooooooooo cramped with people, i almost couldn't breathe. i managed to get myself in, and did the people-watched thingy. we have some of the nicest people around, and some of the rudest. i just can't fathom why some just like to squuuueeezze their way into the train and putting their bags on the ground straight! it obstructs traffic flow and it's soooo frustrating!

got to the airport at 8.35pm, so that robby's flight was coming in at 8.58pm, but figured that it'd probably take me a whole hour to see him, so i went to stroll around the bookstores again, only to realized that there's a row of magazines with Angelina Jolie on the cover. and i'm not kidding abt that row.. it's like, harper's singapore, harper's australia, marie claire's malaysia, marie claire's UK (or is it US?).. it was scary. i mean.. ya it shows how famous she is, but really, i bet it's all about "No, i'm not seeing Brad Pitt. No i'm not the 3rd party."

blah blah blah.

then.. it was time to wait. belt 17 and 18 had the most amount of screaming teenagers waiting. i was wondering what superstar was there. then i saw the huge row of parents waiting as well then i thought to myself.. "School Trip." and there it was. a bunch of teenagers returning from their overseas trip, and there was this big poster up that said, "WINSTON! HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH NOW?"

being the quiet kay-po, i looked around until i saw this guy, assumingly Winston. to me, he didn't look fat. i dunno. maybe there's a big belly button beneath the thick coat that he wore.

i'm going off-track again.

waiting at the airport is no easy feat. there were so many people there, waiting. and for once, i actually thought that the greenery in the airport was irritating. did you know that a couple of bushes actually blocked my view? and i couldn't remove it in any manner because of the fact that they were actually INSIDE that place where the people await their luggage at the luggage belt! and i suddenly saw a flock of people leaving the belt, and all the caucasians were out.. and i was thinking to myself, "Oh jia lat! i missed Robby?~" and i was starting to panic.

until this boy, not yet a man starts smiling to me inside. i was not so lost after all! ok.. after the hugs, it was pushing that heavy trolley to the taxi and taking the luggage home. he started to grumble abt immigration, the weather, the service.. everything really. but i was just glad to let him go on and on and on.

the BBQ's gonna be this evening. oh gosh.

01:44 | com[ments] |

Monday, June 20, 2005 today was a real frustrating day.

i guess things like this would start to occur on a regular basis if i were to continue to teach. but i don't know. it felt as though it was a final straw. i know, i've always been thankful and fortunate to be blessed with job opportunities that are flexible (think: flexible hours), good pay, and a chance to use the gift that i was blessed with. but today was the accumulation of a list of events that have led me into thinking if this was the right choice.

of coz, i was so happy and jubilant just a few days ago, when i saw the results of what my students got for their theory. and just before that, it was a very frustrating teaching class. so my mood for everything has been sort of like a roller-coaster. you start at a normal pace, slowly sink to the bottom, then accelerates upwards quickly before coming down again.

i shall not let go of my dream of it. i've forgone the chance and opportunity of what others would yearn for to just focus on this. i can't be giving up.

hmm.. so i won't!

22:43 | com[ments] |

Saturday, June 18, 2005 so close, no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
cause nothing else matters

i never opened myself this way
life is ours, we do it our way
all these words i just don't say
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but i know

so close, no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
cause nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
never cared for what they do
but i know

trust i seek but i find in you
everyday for us something new
open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

so close, no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
cause nothing else matters

00:02 | com[ments] |

Friday, June 17, 2005 today, i write with a tired and weary heart.

i feel helpless. and in this case, the helplessness comes in the fact that i can't do anything. here i am, trying to help. trying to reach out. trying to get you to open up about whatever that's going on. not coming out fully to ask you, but juz letting you feel my presence more. staying around, or rather, hanging around more often. hoping that you'd open up. and tell me what's wrong.

and i feel so silly. and so dumb. and so stupid. because you seem to feel that you can't trust me. because you seem to think that telling me isn't the right thing to do. because you've chose to open up to someone else. i'm not angry that you've chosen this other avenue. i'm just angry with myself for the fact that the avenue that you chose wasn't me. really.. i feel very dumb.

but that's not the main point. the fact that you're hurting, the fact that you're affected by problems, the fact that it's soooooooo obvious to the eyes of everyone, and everyone's hurting because of you. people who care about you are upset, and worried because of you. everyone's helpless because of you. and all that we can do is just pray.

praying is good. but i guess, i don't know how to pray and not forget that i'm helpless. it makes me feel disabled. knowing that i can't help.

if only you'd come out of your cocoon and let it all out. if only you'd realize the amount of damage the hurt of yours has done to everyone.

you can't just tell us that it's none of our business, and that nobody told us to have this sort of feelings. the fact is, it is. and it becomes our business because you are someone that we honestly, truthfully, wholeheartedly care about.

the choice is yours. to stay in your cocoon or not. cocoons last forever with no emotions. similarly, hearts last forever too.

but hearts are filled with love and feelings for you last forever.

00:49 | com[ments] |

Thursday, June 09, 2005 today, i turn 20. and what a milestone it's meant to be.

last night when out with my family for dinner.. my cousins.. or the G3.. we'll always be by each other no matter what.. i realized it last night when we went out for dinner, the laughter, the jokes, the honesty in comments.. you know that if you want the truth, you should just go to them. we had fun after that too.. went to check out furniture for anna's new place and even climbed into the new flat.. it was a real fun experience.. their butts hurt; mine was perfectly alright.

here's one of the reasons why i'm so thankful that i have no fats on my butt.. coz it won't make me feel so uncomfortable.

today.. loretta saved me from crying at home when she took me out to town. we walked around orchard.. from bugis, to plaza sing, to heeren, to takashimaya, to wisma, to far east, to isetan.. my goodness.. the amount of energy we spent walking.. it was so tiring and exhausting! but we had fun.. and i went to teach my mom's company's thingy also, and all those ladies, celebrated for me.. i was quite surprised by the three cakes that i got~! wow.. very much atonished actually! but it was real yummy.. time to go on a diet already i guess.. hahaha..

lor lor, thanks for everything. i really really really really really appreciate it..

may, i know you did a lot, and i appreciate it wholeheartedly, so thanks a million~!

~~~

i guess there's something that i've learnt to realize also in these few days, in these few incidents.

some good, some bad, some.. i don't know. the most important thing, or the most.. sad thing i've realized, is that some just don't care. i felt, or rather.. i feel so sad. and i still feel so sad. people that i care for so very much, didn't even remember it was my birthday today. people that i'd give an arm and a leg for, probably just treat me like.. cow dung. i'm sorry i used this word, but that's really how i feel. i can't remember how many times have i looked at my handphone wishing that you would send me a message to wish me well. i can't remember how many times have i hoped that somehow or another you will remember. but.. i didn't.

these few days led me to think about a lot of matters. i'm starting to wonder where i stand in people's lives. and whether or not my presence is a blessing, or a nusiance. or maybe just a irritating pest who just.. i don't know. lousy pest maybe.

but now that i'm 20, things will change. new outlook on life. on my life. i'm not a girl, not yet a woman. i'm just someone figuring out who and what my identity is.

god, i'm so amazed, and i give you praise, for you would save us at such a cost. i thank you for everything that you've annointed me, and i pray that you'd continue to take care of me and bless me with what you have in store for me. i am able, use me.

may, thank you for being my sis. you are a blessing. thanks for everything.

cousins, thanks for being a part of my life. i wouldn't have survived without all of your laughter, jokes, lameness, and pure honesty. thanks for loving me.

loretta & taoying, thanks for being there. and being a part of my life. our friendship.. rock steady! thanks for everything.. you know i wouldn't ask for another bestie (loretta), or another daughter/twin (taoying). thanks for making the imperfect me better in someway or another.

serene & joanne, thanks for being there. i really appreciate it.

friends, thanks for being my listening ear/shopping partner/snacking mate/junk food addict/vcd freak (you all know where you all stand) whenever i needed. i really really really really really really appreciate all of your friendships.

the rest of my family, i am so thankful i have allllllll of yooouu in my life. i wouldn't have asked for a better mahjong partner, eating buddies, television buddy ever. especially little kaile.. thanks for making me feel sooooooooo loved!! (even though you're only a dog..)

23:19 | com[ments] |

Wednesday, June 08, 2005 met up with serene & joanne on monday night for dinner @ billy bomber's. first time at that place, and realized that it really does cater to the american appetite~! big servings of food.. but it was quite nice. serene kept apologising profusely about her being a whole hour late, and joanne was telling me about all these friends of hers. it was nice to spend time with them, although i think with the late timing and all, our body really got very tired and very much lethargic at some point, but nevertheless, the fact that they took the time out to have dinner together with me for my birthday was sweet. and i appreciate it.

serene & joanne, thanks so much for monday! it was real nice to catch up and joanne? don't say that it was a bad celebration because nothing is bad when YOU are around! thanks for the great time we spent!

went out with my dad & may for dinner @ marina south on tuesday night. it was the first time for the both of them to be having the bbq steamboat, and i think it was a very interesting experience for them. then went to meet amy, liangyi, michelle, big may, joy, jiawen, shiao en & john at bugis. we had a celebration for our birthdays! and it was fun.. all of us had so much fun together.. laughing around and joking around, with the gifts and all those stuff.. i had a wonderful time!

shiao en, liangyi, joy, jiawen, thanks for the gifts! very sweet, and very me!!! love them all.. thanks very much!!
everyone else, thanks for a grrreeeeaaat time!

tonight, i'm going to be having dinner with my cousins.. swensen's @ plaza sing. i just pray that they're not giving May a hard time with the money stuff and with the arranging of stuffs. it just isn't fair that sometimes they are in such disagreements when it comes to things like that and you know, makes things difficult for one or the other. it disheartens me sometimes.. i mean, it's not like i'm expecting stuff, but really.. you gotta know where you stand in things like this. we want others to help you with something, then others will help you; yet when we're asking for something, you just come up with excuses and stuff.

this year, i'm actually going to be alone on my birthday. was supposed to meet up with loretta for some shopping but it's cancelled because she has stuff to attend to at home. no i don't blame her.. knowing how it is at home, i mean.. i understand it completely. it just saddens me i guess.. i've never been alone on my birthday. i've never even felt alone on my birthday before. even last year.. i had jo and the rest of the colleagues at Sentosa to celebrate it with me.

but i guess, these are things that i must learn to face now. i'd feel a little disheartened because.. i feel as though nobody bothers, or cares or something. but i know it isn't the truth, and i know that there are people who do care for me.

maybe it's just the saddness that's getting into me now. it will disappear..

00:10 | com[ments] |