you.me.and a thousand different ways.

Monday, March 28, 2005

finally done with the first paper, which didn't go very well since i actually blank out halfway through. but leaving it all to god really now. i don't want to think about the paper anymore.

actually am taking a real big risk by choosing to not memorise anything for the papers. depending on 1 big word: understanding. i'm not sure how it'd actually work, but since tomorrow's paper is an e-paper, it actually cuts down on the things that i need to study for, since everything should be there for me.

but i'm faithful in prayer. just want to make sure that everything goes on well now.

thinking about what i'd be doing once the exams are over and done with. actually should be on the lookout for a fulltime job, but i'm thinking of continuing my education, and somehow i feel that teaching piano is enough to cover my expenses for now. so i think i'd be contented to focus on that. aside from teaching, liangyi and i would be taking time once a week to volunteer ourselves at the christian outreach for the handicapped. think it's really for a real good cause and i can't wait to get started! with my sis-in-christ as well! we'd have so much fun! and of coz, i'm going to try to hit the gym. read. watch dvds. practice piano. cross-stitch. play computer games.

talk about a slacker lifestyle. feeling the lethargicness that hit upon me 3 years ago when i was done with the 'o' levels, where all i wanted to do was just laze at home. and thankfully, i got the break that i wanted. this time round, the heaviness in my heart after all that i've went through in the last few years is enough to tire me for a real longer time. but what's different as compared now is that really, my perception of things have indeed changed for the better. and when i say better, i mean more godly.

was talking to liangyi during lunch today about our expectations of ourselves. and sometimes, we just keep praying so much for what we want, but what we want might not be what God wants. so it's not that He doesn't answer our prayers. He just doesn't answer to everything that you ask for, because whatever that you ask for might not be what He wants you to have. what we need to do is just seek Him, and continue to trust Him even if He puts some real awful & messy stuff to hurt you.

We did a lot of things to hurt Him too. that's why, He died on the cross for us.

there's a song that i heard that goes something like this: -

My mind was filled with anger, my heart was filled with shame.
This man brought only healing; who could bring him pain?
Why does it seem the strong always victimize the weak?

"Who nailed him there? This child of peace and mercy?"
"Who nailed him there? Come and face me like a man."
"Who nailed him there?" Then the crowd began to mock me.
I cried "Oh my God, I just don't understand!"

Then I turned and saw the hammer in my hand.

i've never had the guts to watch passion of the christ. partly because i know it's just too brutal for me, and also, i'm one of those people who can just visualise stuff, and everytime i imagine what my saviour daddy did for me, i feel so ashamed. because i nailed him there. but when i finally did catch a snip of it (and i'm so sure it's not from passion of the christ anyway) i juz felt so.. overwhelmed with emotions. i was tearing and tearing throughout the whole performance.

this is how much He loves me. and i'm so undeserving of his love. yet what i got from him is this unconditional love that can never be replaced. so to answer someone's question,

of course i'd love to have a boyfriend. but honestly, i'm so happily contented with what i have, it doesn't need to be here. it'll be here when it's time.

it's through these hurts that provide an avenue for you to realize that He's faithful.
it's through these tears that create a paveway for you to realize that no matter what, there's always something better in store.
even in times of doubt, we must continue to believe in what is best for us. even though we don't see it.

bryan, i'm praying for you!
everyone else, keep me in your prayers!

just a few more days before the carefree lifestyle is for me to embrace~!

23:16 | com[ments] |

Thursday, March 24, 2005

my routine for the past few days were something like this: -

monday
wake up. teach. come home. study. heard drilling & renovation works. screamed at the agony. went out to bishan mac to study with jerlyn. groaned at the decibels of mac (intend to make the same amount of volume that those rjc pp were making when it's their turn to mug).went to thomson plaza's burger king. left at 9pm. desperate housewives. study. bed.

tuesday
wake up. study. heard drilling & renovation works. screamed at the agony. went to bed at 2pm. frustrated at my inability to nap. woke up. went to teach. went back to nyp to study till 830pm. went for dance class. supper. bed.

wednesday
wake up. study. heard drilling & renovation works. marvelled at the invention of computers, mp3s and earphones. went to nap. marvelled at the invention of mp3s, mp3 players and earphones. went to teach. came home. amazing race. reading lecture notes.

sometimes i think god's playing a little joke on me. testing me or something. always when i'm having exams or something, there's this big.. obstacle. thankfully i've not gone crazy. think God really made me sane. doing it all for the glory of Him. don't care about anything else now.

i decided to pamper myself by taking a cab home today. real waste of money if you ask me and also that uncle kept asking me very silly questions. "poly last year? which poly? are you 17?"

honestly.. that uncle was really talking rubbish. how can i be a final year study and be seventeen at the same time?

thank goodness the journey was quite smooth without any questions. i thought after a while he was going to ask if i'm single? available? boyfriend? children? suitors? can he get my number?

maybe it's just exams getting on my nerves.

anyway, finally done with notes for IEM and CAA. there's no way i'm gonna be doing tutorial questions for IFT without even glancing at my lecture notes. i don't even know what's going on for IFT. all i know is that we have this obasan who makes learning a little difficult. and that i've been shunning away from the subject for far too long.

well, now is the night we'll embrace it.

no way i'm going to bed without reading through EVERYTHING first.

schedule's gonna be like this for now: -

thursday
wake up. breakfast. go school study till 730pm. church. children's outreach cheer practice. home. study till i absolutely cannot take it anymore (hopefully all the way). bed.

friday
wake up. church service. keppel club for D&D. home. bed.

saturday
wake up. study. children's outreach. home. study (all the way). bed.

sunday
wake up. church. home. study. bed.

heavenly father, i pray for your wonderful blessings to anoint me these few days as i struggle to keep everything in control. i pray for your wisdom to be upon me as i mug thru the next few days. i pray that you'd grant me with good health & strength to endure what's ahead. you are my protector. my deliverer. and as we approach good friday, i am reminded once more how you died for me. i don't deserve it, but you love me so much.

thank you for holding me close, surrounding me with your love. you are my earth that envelopes me. its in you i trust.

once again i look upon the cross where you died, i'm humbled by your mercy and i'm broken inside, once again i thank you, once again i pour out my life.

01:09 | com[ments] |

Monday, March 21, 2005

my abilities have failed me once more.

my aim was to make sure that IEM is completed by 12 midnight. as of now, *glances at clock*, i still haven't completed it yet.

3 more papers to study for. but not much time left. *shakes her head in agony*

wish that now i can say no to the dinner on friday.. should i? actually i should.. but i already promised them i'd go. and i hate disappointing people. but i realized if i don't do well i'd disappoint myself and everybody else even more. its so tough.

thankfully, my projects have all come to an end, the last one being entrepreneurship. i still don't understand my biz idea, but at least the project is over and done with. i think it was the best presentation i've ever done, and i'm so very proud of it, not because i'm like fabulous or anything, but because i chose to surrender everything to God for this project. and He helped me to let things work out the way they ought to be. discovered the true joy of having Him looking for me. the external judges at the room where i was presenting had female judges. all 3 of them! i mean, how lucky can i get right?

can you imagine if i had 3 men sitting in front of me, and there i was explaining to them about a $10 for 10 min makeover service?

god is so good!

met up with the poly forum people again yesterday for daniel and max's birthday dinners. think i was pretty much tired already, if not would have had more fun. joanne got drunk. how can anyone get drunk on champagne is totally beyond me.

moral of the story: dun drink unless you can hold your liquor.
joanne: i don't care how hungry you are, but to gulp down on champagne is really ridiculous. you're making me doubt your drinking ability. you're totally banned from drinking from now on. understand?

and for the record, may doesn't have a BGR problem. we just hate jerks. for eg, this and that.

02:47 | com[ments] |

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

it makes things a lot harder these days when you want to take one step ahead, yet realize that you really can't. does it really haunt and hurt so much? i don't know. i came home last night, and the only thing i wanted to do was just to hide under the blanket covers and stare at the walls. cry. weep. sob. wonder. ponder. think. and just let the thoughts that's been lingering on remain the dominance of my heart and mind for those few hours.

now i'm mad at myself for being the way i am. the last thing i need is really to go through all of these again.

it's like you're a drug
it's like you're a demon i can't face down
it's like i'm stuck
it's like i'm running from you all the time
and i know i let you have all the power
it's like the only company i seek, is misery all the time

it's like you're a leech
sucking the life from me
it's like i can't breathe
without you inside of me
and i know i let you have all the power
and i realize that i'm never gonna quit you all the time

it's like i can't breathe
it's like i can't see anything
nothing but you, i'm ~~addicted~~ to you
it's like i can't think
without you interrupting me
in my thoughts, in my dreams
you're taking over me,
it's like i'm not me, it's like i'm not me

it's like i'm lost
it's like i'm giving up slowly
it's like you're a ghost that's haunting me, "leave me alone!"
and i know, these voices in my head, are mine alone
and i know i'll never change my ways, if i don't give you up now

it's like i can't breathe
it's like i can't see anything
nothing but you, i'm ~~addicted~~ to you
it's like i can't think
without you interrupting me
in my thoughts, in my dreams
you're taking over me,
it's like i'm not me, it's like i'm not me

i'm hooked on you, i need a fix
i can't take it
just one more hit, i promise i can deal with it
i handle it, quit it, just one more time then that's it
just a little bit more to get me through this
i'm hooked on you, i need a fix
i can't take it
just one more hit, i promise i can deal with it
i handle it, quit it, just one more time then that's it
just a little bit more to get me through this..

why can't it just be over?

once is enough. ain't gonna be addicted no more.

i don't want memories. i don't want thoughts. i don't want dreams. i don't want anything. anymore.

08:28 | com[ments] |

Sunday, March 13, 2005

met up with my girls last night at samuel's place. it was to catch up, and was also there to catch a glimpse of our little new addition! i can't believe we're aunts now.. all of us! and i have to say, my dearie girls now all have such a glow in their eyes when we see the baby.. orion is so lucky to have so many aunts! and come to think of it, in a few years time, when we all marry and have children, we're all gonna have babies and orion is going to be like a big bro to the rest of our kids!

yanzhen was there with joseph (man, he looks so tanned nowadays! but they're so loving.. so sweet~!) and cheryl finally brought ah heng for me to meet.. not that i've not met him before lah.. but now he's offically meeting ah mama. *grinz* and taoying and chyn was there. jun didn't make it, and lor lor went earlier first. and of coz, there's the routine "tell-me-what's-new" thing. seems everyone got something to share a bit.. including me! our discussion were all at childbirth, natural way of giving birth.. that sort of things. suddenly you are just hit upon by the fact that this is the next phase of our lives and we'd not be that young anymore.

but looking at my girlfriends, i just smile. i know i can count on them whenever i need to.

a little excited at what's to come tomorrow and the next few days. i don't want to think about anything yet. but i think it'll be pretty interesting to see how everything works out.

girls: i promise you girls a very good update the next time i see you all!

15:55 | com[ments] |

Saturday, March 12, 2005

just had this thought in my mind so i'd just write it down..

singing songs.. isn't that a glorious & exhilarating feeling? i've always felt that the most wonderful way of winning a girl's heart is through a person's voice. have you ever wondered how we hear songs at times and feel so much for it? the singer put so much heart & emotions into the song, and we get moved by it.

but we have to realise that such things are not realistic in the world that we live in. these are what we'd define as fantasies.. things that we'd only long for, but would never happen.

ok, since i've been thinking.. i have a top 5 list of what guys should sing to win a girl's heart.. or if you want to propose or something.. i know that there are some of you who are trying to win a girl's heart.. so here's some tips..

songs that a guy should sing to his girl
1. Neal McCoy - Completely
2. Oliver James - Greatest Story Ever Told
3. Nick Lachey - This I Swear
4. Enrique Iglesias - Hero
5. Everything I Do, I Do It For You - Bryan Adams; True - Ryan Cabrera, Have I Told You Lately That I Love You - Rod Stewart (ok.. it's a tie.. i'm biased. couldn't decide!)

ok.. that's enough rubbish to last you all for a while!

p.s interview was alright. but pls keep praying!
p.s.s friends, thanks for everything these few days.. especially amy, michelle, kenneth, liangyi & john.. thanks for all your prayers!

08:12 | com[ments] |

Friday, March 11, 2005

since joanne has asked, i shall write a little.

the interview's gonna be in a few hours.. a little nervous. starting to have stomach pains and all. but i'm sure in the end i'll be fine, because i have God. He'll watch over me and take care of me.

seems to me all my friends are going through this broken-heart phase.. just want to tell all of you that i'm here for you ok?

projects have come to an end. thank god for his amazing grace. He performed a wonderful miracle for me at my IB project. I know He did. let me share it..

I was supposed to wake up at 4am on Thursday to look at my IB report & presentation. which would give me about 3 hours to edit the report, and prepare my presentation. but i didn't hear the alarm clock go off at 4am. and only woke up when i heard may's movements around the room.

it was 638am.

i woke with a startle, but something inside told me : "it's ok. you'll be fine." and i felt such a strange peace enveloped me. so i woke up, brushed my teeth and went to turn on the pc. then another shock:

meh meh didn't email me the report.

goodness.. i started to panic because i'm not sure if she was awake. if she wasn't, i might not be able to make up for the 9am lecture at all! so i quickly sent her a message, telling her that i've yet to receive it. but thankfully, she was awake, and the report came to me. then another shock:

there was a michael porter chart attached as the appendix.

i'm in charge of this michael porter analysis for the report, and it didn't occur to me that i needed it or anything. until the night before when i read through the report. but i didn't have the time to look for the chart on the net anyway. but it was there. as an appendix. i have no idea who put it there, but whoever it was, it saved my life.

god watched over me these last few days. he really did. i kept praying that he'd look out for me, pray that he'd bless me with an even temper, pray that i'd find the strength to endure what's ahead of me these few days. and i did. the presentation might not have the best that i did, but with all that's been going on, i was confident of what i did, and i knew that it was because of Him that i was able to survive.

there were many times where i was very discouraged, disheartened, and even disappointed at the way things worked out. the accusations, the hurtful words i heard. what my mom told me once again banked into my mind:

"sometimes people take your kindness in the wrong way, and you end up being maligned."

is the moral of the story something like, "do not be kind and nice?" or, "do not care for your family & friends & loved ones?"

i'm confused. but then again, it has come to an end. and i can trimuphantly stretch out my hands and tell myself, i did it! and i'd tell you, this semester is the hardest of all 6 semesters.

but this semester is also the time where i've learnt to depend & trust on Him completely. and it's true. he answers my prayers.

who says you should only witness a miracle before you believe in Him?
if you don't believe in Him, you won't see the miracle.
don't ask god to perform a miracle on you for your confirmation on His Presence.
if you don't believe in Him, you won't see the miracle.

10:49 | com[ments] |

Saturday, March 05, 2005

i got called for an interview by NTU! praise the lord! i hope i get it.. i really do hope i get it. i decided that i want to take the first three courses more than the last two.. that means, my BA in Edu, Sociology or Psychology. really hope i get it.. please keep me in your prayers everyone!

i doubt things are gonna be in particular order so i'm just gonna write whatever's in my thoughts:

you: it hurts my heart to see you so wounded. maybe i don't know what went wrong, but i can understand what your heart is going through right now. maybe some things just don't work out the way we want it to be, but that's not important. what's most important is what god wants. remember this always: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." - matthew 6:32-34.
i'm always here for you. remember it ok?

i really had fun last night at ken's place..we were all having such a hilarious time and having such a wonderful fellowship! hearing all these very funny & interesting stories of the "JC Adventures" from shiao en, liangyi, yu ying & may.. makes me think of poly life and i feel so disappointed and saddened at the fact that i didn't have so much fun in poly as i wished i did. don't get me wrong, i enjoyed myself throughly and learnt a lot. but what's most important about is that i've learnt, and i'm ready to take what's coming ahead of me. i guess i've more or less got my life planned out for the end of the year, and i hope that things do work out the day they are supposed to be.

very tired after everything that happened in the week. had been thinking a lot too. it's like a little reminder that comes knocking at your door ever so frequently. once i start preparing for the exams, was haunted by the things that were happening last year. the late night arguements while preparing for the exams. the tears. those stuff. guess someone was right in saying that it does take you half the time you were with the person to get over everything. it's just some memories. but no tears. i'm cool.

then again, i've been very discouraged by some of the matters in school. just feel that i'm very disappointed in myself. i've tried to be understanding, yet i always get bullied and get climbed over heads. i've tried to be very blind in a lot of things, and never mentioned about a lot of things. but it doesn't mean that i didn't see it. and it saddens me to know that some just wish to be ignorant about some things and just want to be so caught up in their worlds when i know that it's soooooo wrong!

i give up. sometimes you just can't be bothered with all these. just be contented in my world. and believe in your own rights. god will pave the way.

23:02 | com[ments] |