you.me.and a thousand different ways.

Monday, August 29, 2005

It's not easy trying to understand
How the world can be so cold
Stealing the souls of man
cloudy skies rain down on all your dreams
You wrestle with the fear and doubts
Sometimes it's hard, but you gotta believe

There's a better place where our Father waits
And every tear He'll wipe away
The darkness will be gone
The weak shall be strong
Hold on to your faith
There will come a day

There will come a day

Wars are raging
Lives are scattered
Innocence is lost
And hopes are shattered
The old are forgotten
The children are forsaken
In this world we're living in is there anything sacred?

There's a better place where our Father waits
And every tear He'll wipe away
The darkness will be gone
The weak shall be strong
Hold on to your faith
There will come a day

There will come a day

The song will ring out down those golden streets
The voices of Earth with the angels will sing
Every knee will bow
Sin will have no trace
In the glory of His Amazing grace
Every knee will bow
Sin will have no trace
In the glory of His Amazing grace
There will come a day

There will come a day

22:41 | com[ments] |

Sunday, August 28, 2005

ok. i survived. sorta. still a long road. still feeling discouraged. but life's a step of never-ending lessons. so we'll just learn.

strangely enough, someone appeared in my dreams the night i prayed for that person. dunno why had such a strong tugging in my heart to pray for that person. it hurt so much.. when i was praying.. the heart i meant. then the name flashed in my head.. like neon-lights shining on the streets. it didn't leave. so i prayed for the person with my heart. and the tugging stopped.

whatever it is. i hope it's for the right reasons. it has to be.

right?

22:02 | com[ments] |

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

almost 2 weeks since i wrote something. i can't begin to tell you the amount of times i've set down here, just thinking about what it is that i want to write.

but my words become numb to the world. sometimes whatever that is that i'm dying to burst out just decides to shelf itself back to the closet. so it's not that i've not tried. i just hadn't been able to express myself properly.

actually, yes there have been happenings. so much so that i seek solace in my books every night. not exactly the best thing to do, but at least i'm escaping from everything. the late nights are coming back in once more. not by choice. i'm usually pretty much brain dead by 11pm. but its at these times where i'd find peace. and able to concentrate more. maybe not extremely productive, but it's a start.

time and again, i'm reminded by what my mother told me during her last return. time and again, i'm reminded that i'm the only 1 standing on this platform. time and again, i feel thankful that i'm not having another person to share the burden with me. time and again, i wish that there's someone to just gently nudge me that everything's ok.

it's really difficult because i'm undecisive 99.9% of the time. what is it that i want? what is it that i desire? and even if i think that it's what i desire, is it really for me? i feel as though i'm just standing in the middle of the see-saw. sometimes walking towards one end, to the point of sitting down and making it my decision. but at the last minute, i retreat from it and walk back to the centre again.

yes it's times like this where i wish that maybe, things had worked out between terence & i. because at least, there's someone to share the burden. but when i have thoughts like this, i'm gently reminded of the fact that he was the one that let go of the relationship a very long time ago, even before everything came to an awful end. then i'm reminded of the fact that he was the one that realized that it wasn't working out but refused to discuss it before coming to a decision. leaving me drenched in the rain.

sometimes when i'm doing my own bible study, i'd hear about husbands & wives who struggle through their marriage. even pastors. to the brink of breaking up. having a separation. divorce even. then god says, we shouldn't give up. breaking up means giving up. and so forth.

but last night i realized. someone has got to die. of coz, not the dead dead. but really more of dying in the heart. if there's going to be a reconciliation between 2 people, someone has got to die. someone has to admit defeat. someone has to admit his/her mistakes.

it's just that as humans, we are too selfish and too stubborn to do that.

if i get hurt by the same person once more, and i don't feel the pain, i've died. but now, even when i'm punched and i'm still reacting defiantly, with anger and rage and disappointment, yes i'm not dead yet.

guess growing up and letting go is never an easy journey. but it's not always abt hurt from this. there's more den just BGR when it comes to pain of relationships.

so, coming back to what was mentioned by my mother. in a lot of ways now, it's become a 1-woman show. because i'm fighting for my own now. fighting on my own. nobody else is going to be responsibile.

00:08 | com[ments] |

Thursday, August 11, 2005

after a long weekend, it's finally back to normality.

went for the D&D on monday. was really quite well-done. it was my first D&D in the company about 5 years, and well, i'm not a stranger to the crowd really. i guess it's weird to be walking around where people are going, "that's Mr Lim's niece," or "that's Ms Lim's daughter." thank goodness the emcee didn't make a big fuss about it either. I think we would all have been terribly embarrassed. but it was fun and i was very touched by the efforts the ladies put in.

although i don't understand why i had to dance with those bankers. I'm not even supposed to entertain guests! and of all people.. BANKERS?

thanks again to all the people who have helped to make the evening memorable. and of course, special mentions to angie, judy & raymond, for your great work. esp raymond, thanks for saving me from the bankers!

tuesday was the funfair. was enjoyable as well. in my heart, i was feeling a big sense of guilt for not being able to commit. esp when kenneth had high expectations and i knew i couldn't fulfil it. school and the mess-up timetable made things very much a mess. but in the end, i enjoyed the day. though it almost killed my throat, it was fun whilst it lasted.

went to meet up with vincent & felicia and the rest of the dance people after that. it's been a while i know. of course, vincent and i were laughing around as usual, and i have to give credit for a job well done now. i know in my heart, they are longing for me to commit myself permanently once more, but it's not the same anymore. anyway, they have so many people around already. it's time that i should just let go, take a back seat.

must give credit and big amount of respect to the rest of the people. it's a good job well done.

back to school, assignments, deadlines. back to the busy busy life. it's time for it i guess. but sometimes it feels pretty lonesome.

but 2 years would be done quickly. i know it would.

00:29 | com[ments] |

Sunday, August 07, 2005

today was a day of strange and jumbled emotions, a day mixed reactions to surroundings, and a day of pure joy and elation when we all felt the presence of God.

you know how pleasant it is to have god's voice surrounding your natural surroundings? such sweet joy & elation & comfort. today's service was great. worship was great. i was tearing at some point because it just grew to be so strong. and the sermon was great too. i initially had fears of listening to prophetic services. my impression of prophetic services are strong, *point fingers* kind, and like having the discipline mistress screaming at you. but it wasn't anything like that. it was simple, soft & yet impactful. the guest pastor prophesize over several of the pastors. mag & evie too i think. in my heart, i was so scared. but it all turned out well.

think spiritually, today was a day where i felt a great yearning towards His goodness. sometimes in my heart i'd wonder & ponder about what it is that i'd want from Him. His peace? His grace and mercy? His patience? His strength & wisdom. i couldn't decide. today i realized that it's not a multiple-choice question, but a question that is open-ended, filled with lots and lots of lines. my heart was weeping for the people who responded to the altar call, because some of them are people whom i knew were burdened, and to see them all just leaning towards Him.. i was touched. and i believe that God will do great things upon them.

went to work at the clinic today too. it's the first of the many 'sundays' that i'd be involving myself in, and i always think it's amazing that god's mercy & grace is upon me, even when it comes to the job at the clinic. it was very busy, but at least, it was 3 hours well-spent.

been thinking about what the pastor preached about today. hit a chord really. something simple in the Word could bring forth so much really. it's as though the verse is speaking to me about something.

"martha, martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed." - Luke 10:41-42

strangely enough, as christians we all know what that one thing is. yet, as humans, we are born to be worried and upset about many things. i don't know of anyone who don't worry really. and as much as we try to tell ourselves, that god is in control, it's human nature to worry.

so how?

anyway, this weary heart sees a need to guard herself from everything now. i'm becoming too sensitive to what's around. i realized that now, coz i'm too easily affected. becoming guarded from the outside world.. never seems to be an easy thing. especially now when i've just started to do it. seems as though the more we want to do it, the more it'd hurt.

think what's worse is that sometimes i don't even know what the hurt is.

i've been having recollections of what's in the past in my everyday life. sorta like flashbacks, the way they resurface back to the ground. and like flashbacks, they remain there after a while.

so, it's a little hard. but i'm learning to get used to it now.

21:54 | com[ments] |

Saturday, August 06, 2005

finally.. my exams are over. now in my heart, i'm just wondering if i managed to score that crucial 26 marks to be able to score that pass that i desperately need to achieve.

i'm so worried!! i won't deny that fact. i've worked so hard, and i did think that i play pretty ok. so i'm praying for the best now.

but i'm so relieved that things are over really. that part i won't deny. praise God!

weekend's here. my filled and packed schedule is here once more again too. but school isn't that bad now. it's not easy, but at least i'm coping.

last night was a real terrifying experience too. but i found grace and mercy from the man above. and He gave me encouragement in the way that i never thought it'd have been possible. of course, would have wished for something more, but it's alright. i'm thankful for it. it was as though similar to a replica and a constant reminder that He's around. though faraway (in distance), but near (in heart).

12:41 | com[ments] |

Thursday, August 04, 2005

one of the things that i had longed to do when i was young, was to travel abroad to study. that and to be a good piano teacher. to be able to live by my own, travel and soak in the sights and the surroundings, blend in the culture and the nice people. to me then (and still), countries in the west are filled with the warmest people. sometimes, i just feel that singaporeans, or rather, asians are just too lukewarm. gosh.. i don't know how they can survive without showing their affections, emotions and all. it just seem too cold to exist in such a place.

the dream to go abroad to study has since then been shelved back to where it belonged (my dreams), and now whatever that's existing is a reality that is not the same. i'm still getting my dream education, amid long-distance. and i'm a full-pledged piano teacher right now too.

it's alright to be a dreamer at times now i realized. without dreams, there's no drive to pursue life. but the truth of all the matters is that i'm just a homey at heart. you can never make me leave what i have at home now. the luxury, the life.. ok, i'm without a car, but so what? public transport is just as alright, 95% of the time. just don't let me bump into incidents like yesterday where the traffic was so choked up.. i almost died moving to & fro the bus.

sometimes i hate the fact that i'm so skinny. so prone to such accidents.

as for the other dreams that have yet to come true.. they might still happen, but not in the way i had wanted it to be.. but at least, there's an alternative. but for now, the biggest dream.. is to see snow. go New York. i hope to save up enough to go States again. this time round, we'd need to go New York, go D.C, and of course, to my dream destination.. DisneyWorld!

yep, time to start dreaming.

23:07 | com[ments] |

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

today was a real frustrating day.

because.. well, the admin staff in the school really did screw things up! i found out today, i'm not supposed to be taking a module that i've been taking on saturday! and what made me even more frustrated was that you know, i've made arrangements at the clinic, told sharmaine about it, and she has made amendments.. and then, look at what happened!

i was so angry.. really boiling at that point. i came home from my piano lesson and i was screaming my heart out. even my dad got angry.

but then i realized that it was all god's work. i had prayed for no lessons, for free time on Saturdays and Sundays, so that i have the time to rest. and he answered my prayer. just that it had gone a long long way. after all the hassle that i went through, he still answered my prayer, and now, things work out. i'm still gonna be working, the money is still going to come in, and i can still commit myself to whatever that i promised God in the first place.

so when i thought things through, i wasn't that mad anymore. because i realized it was all in his plan. though i would have to end up travelling to and fro more often (working in the clinic in 2 days instead of 1 full day), not getting a raise even though i'm working on sunday (it's alright lahh), and i have saturday afternoons off. i know i can leave promptly at 1pm, and probably i can try to have lunch out now. maybe i can find the time to go over to visit my niece more often. maybe i have the luxury of spending a weekend (sat night) at my grandma's as well. and i can now try to have time to catch up and spend more time with my friends.

so it works out both ways. so it's all in God's plans after all.

yet, i found out today, that i still need to be studying for 1 semester more. there's no way i can be taking the 4 modules, and i can forget about studying during the summer semester as well. maybe this is in god's plan as well, since i made up my mind to try to pay for a bit of my studying now.

and i guess it isn't a bad thing to be studying for 2 1/2 years. given the timetable now, i don't even feel like a full-time student.

on a different note..
my piano exam is on saturday! and today was my final lesson.. think mrs tan's feeling that i will be able to do it. but i'm not sure. i know how i'd freak out. but leaving everything to God. i don't want to be too confident. i know what happened the last time round. and to know that when i gotten the results then.. the person that i cared about the most just didn't give two hoots about the results, and people like angie & marcus were by my side, comforting me as the tears rolled down my eyes.

don't want to cry over results now. i want to have faith that i can do it.

22:41 | com[ments] |

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

just half an hour more before i turn on the tv to watch my favourite show. it's becoming quite a habit now, to watch "sue thomas" every night. i feel out of sorts not even watching a day or two of it, even though i know that there'll definitely be re-runs anyway.

going back for lessons tomorrow. feeling the pressure of being an university (private) student, with the assignments that are due next week (three of them, no less). on top of my piano exam, fun fair, the dinner next monday at suntec, my kids' piano exam. it's just never-ending. but i still feel a lot of thanks and gratitude inside my heart over what the Lord has continued to bless me with. lots of my friends are still without the security of having a permanent job, whilst i have the luxury of working whenever i'm free.

and we all say God doesn't provide sometimes. what's that logic coming in from?

on a brand new different note, i've finally ended my month-long feud with robby and am talking to him once more. ok.. it's not that we fought or anything (that only belongs to couples), but time just hasn't been on my side. and guess what's the first thing he asked me?

"what's new on the boy boy side?"

hey, based on the donkey years of friendship that we shared, am i the kind that would just date as and when i want to? besides, it's not even a year and a half yet. people always say, it'd take half the time that you were attached to completely get over the person and get into something new.

it's been a year and three months. (thanks for the reminder, good old pal!). ya lah, i'm completely over the person. but i'm not ready to get into something new. coz some parts of this whole thing called 'LOVE' still stink at times.

besides, i've said a prayer to God about this before already. i had told Him, the next guy that he brings me, is going to be the one that He has in plan for me to marry. enough of all the heartache, the turmoil of the emotional burden. once is too much to bear. i don't know how some people could just 'play the field'. i only touched first base, but i already turned my back and ran home too.

so don't ask me the question anymore ok? you already know the answer.

23:05 | com[ments] |

Monday, August 01, 2005

amidst all the mess that has been going round, at least school has started. yes, i'm still very much determined to make sure that i get the course over and done with in two years. and though the inefficiency of the administrative staff has left me extremely frustrated, at least the lecturers are pretty good. or at least, the ones that i'm under. and it really sets you thinking.

my first assignment is already giving me nightmares. and i'm still wondering if i'm able to complete it well. gradually now, i understand what's going through the mind of robby when he said it's not easy. it's really not easy. surrounded by people who seemingly doesn't give two hoots about what they're studying, it's really difficult to focus.

no wonder the names of private schools have been so evidently tarnished by the public. with such nonchalant attitude of these students, i'm not surprised. still wondering why did i take that leap of faith and enrolled myself in this, knowing that this would be what i'm expecting. but before you know it, the semester will be over. 13 weeks of school is real quick. then it's quickly choosing what to study, what to excel in.

piano exam's this saturday. yes yes, i'm freaking out. in my heart. i'm still wondering why sometimes my fingers would fumble so easily, and i'm still hoping that this saturday, things would be ok. hopefully now, it will be fine.

on a different note, i've learnt something very interesting.

"i now believe that 'self-love' means going with ease and releasing the need to try and figure everything out by myself. I ask for help and then let go. I now regularly give God something to do." - Jill Goodwin

i'm not the only captain on this ship. infact, i don't think you can call me the captain. coz God's the captain. i'm just a sailor girl, enjoying the ride.

16:01 | com[ments] |