you.me.and a thousand different ways.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

How could you wait another minute
A hug is warmer when you're in it
Oh baby, that's a fact
And saying I love you's always better
Seasons, reasons they don't matter
So don't hold back

finally have gotten the exams over & done with. i have no idea how i managed to smoke through communications, neither do i understand how i managed to blank out at sociology. but at least they're over. and i can take a break and focus on the other things that are impending.

but it feels kinda empty to have the papers over and we have no idea what to do for the next three months! of course, there are the bunch of us who are going on our respective holidays, and some of us are still planning that vacation to bintan (we're giving Bali a miss for now) next year.. as usual, waiting for XD!

we have to wait for XD for everything~! *grinz*

the past few days with the aftermath of the exams was fun! lunch at pariss buffet was absolutely sedap, and of course, all the laughter and the noise and the silly jokes and remarks! yesterday was fun at the zoo. zoo's always a place that i truthfully enjoy going. my apologies to the peps who felt that i was a little 'off'.. there was a big & heavy & terrible headache that was driving me crazy throughout the whole excursion.. the fact that i didn't have my panadol with me didn't help much either.

just when i thought i can do without all my pills & left them at Sam's car.. the headaches had to come!

nevertheless, i just feel a great amount of gladness & happiness to have these people around. i was sitting there, just watching all these people get along with each other, and i felt such a great amount of ease & comfort. XD's constant bickering with Nick is a great entertainment show to watch everytime they're together; similarly, the constant 'romancing' that JC is having with Kylie, and the constant 'picking' the girls have on JC. XD & Nick are 2 nemesis that just start bickering the very moment they meet (it puzzles me how they do that), but i know they are good pals really, and JC's just a real fellow that i respect. I mean, seriously, how can anyone tolerate all the nonsense that they give?

anyways, there are going to be plans for more things to come right? papa joel, waiting for you to plan something! i want to go ice-skate! or sentosa! or eat! or... anything!

keryn's tears on thursday reminded me of my own past. the frustration, the agony, the pain of not being understood. i felt for the both of them at that very moment, and for the past few days, i know i spend a lot of my time in my own state of perplexity questioning what was in my past. which party was i like? was i not understanding? demanding and unreasonable? or docile or extremely patient? did i make assumptions out of almost every single little thing? did all of these caused my downfall in my relationship?

so i was on the phone with a close pal of mine, and i was telling her about how i was feeling about all these things. yep, things have gotten a certain closure, and we've all moved on, doing our own things. yet, i've always felt a certain need to have answers to certain questions that would help me in what's to come. i might be able to declare that i'm not an unreasonable person, but am i expectant on things? will i get mad when things don't come out in the way i expect things, and is that right of me to do that?

and if i spend a lot of time with my friends, and totally ignores him, is it wrong of me to do that? i can say, i want my life with my friends, but if he feels ignored, how am i going to decide if who's right or wrong in it? because after all, what kind of relationship doesn't come with expectations and hopes?

and you know what my friend said?

"lis, you're fine the way you are. don't let what's going on around you destroy what you have had faith in God with. you've never loved anyone less, you've never given less. just have faith in Him."

is that God's answer to me? especially because of the confusion in my heart that's been lingering?

~~~

went back to the clinic today. it was busy, but not something i couldn't handle. was told to find out my schedule for the next few months, and work out something flexible so that i could commit myself more. but i'm not sure if it was something i wanted to do really. i'm been thinking if i should change working environments. or commit myself more to teaching. besides those things, the other important thing that has been lingering in my head, and has been desperately seeking an answer, was what i'm supposed to minor in. i know it was supposed to be sociology. but since making up my mind 3 weeks ago, i've never felt complete peace at the matter. so i've been praying, and thinking, and praying and asking for answers.

now i've gotten my answer: it's going to be journalism.

there's peace in my heart about this. so i'm sure that it's God's choice.

so now.. one's down. there's 4,685,187 more to go.

So don't save it all for Christmas day
Find a way, to give a little love everyday
Don't save it all for Christmas day
Find a way, cause holidays have come and gone
But loves lives on
If you give on love

21:17 | com[ments] |

Saturday, October 22, 2005

It's always been a mystery to me
How two hearts can come together
And love can last forever
But now that I have found you
I believe

That a miracle has come
When God sends the perfect one
Now gone are all my questions about why
And I've never been so sure of anything in my life

I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true

When God made you
He must have been thinking about me

I promise that wherever you may go
Wherever life may lead you
With all my heart I'll be there too
From this moment on I want you to know

I'll let nothing come between us
And I will love the ones you love
Now gone are all my questions about why
And I have never been so sure of anything in my life

He made the sun
He made the moon
To harmonize in perfect tune
One can't move without the other
They just have to be together
And that is why I know it's true
You're for me and I'm for you
Cause my world just can't be right
Without you in my life

I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true

When God made you
He must have been thinking about me

17:45 | com[ments] |

Friday, October 21, 2005

some people want it all,
but i don't want nothing it all
if it ain't you baby, if i ain't got you baby
some people want diamond rings
some just want everything
but everything means nothing
if i ain't got you

the end of the semester already. time flies.. from the first day of lesson, where i couldn't even be the least bit audible, to today, the last day of school, responding the nickname that i used to hate being called the most - "mel". it's been a rollercoaster heck of a ride for the past few months, rushing deadlines, assignments, and finishing the most of what is needed to be done. and next week, after the exams, we'd all be free of all our stuff and having that very much needed 3 months vacation.

and when school reopens, some of us wouldn't be in the same class anymore.

feels really sad thinking about it. after all, even though it has its down points & assignments demoralizing at times, at least i've made a great bunch of friends and i think at the end of the road, i'm just thankful and happy that these people are around in my life. you know for a fact that we'd be staying in touch no matter what, and you know that these bunch of friends are probably around to stay for quite a while.

that thought makes me smile. a big big grin too.

keryn, xian dan (sorry babe, that's your name liaoz *grinz*), nicole, nick, samuel, joel, jasper, ken, luke, germaine, kylie : -
for all the smiles, the laughter, the giggles, the tears, the twirling and dancing around, the fat hair (& eye lashes), the ice creams, the patience, the heart-to-hearts late into the night, the understanding, the love, the memories. thanks for being who you are and being so dear to my heart.

we're going to the zoo, zoo, zoo
how about you, you, you?
you can come too, too, too
we're going to the zoo, zoo zoo!

18:18 | com[ments] |

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Your grace is sufficient for me
Your strength is made perfect
When I am weak
And all that I cling to
I lay at your feet
Your grace is sufficient for me

"Ask for a sign from your GOD. Ask anything. Be extravagant. Ask for the moon!" - Isaiah 7:11

I'm gonna ask and ask and ask and ask and ask! I'm not gonna be afraid of that anymore!

"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need." - Matthew 7:7

(isn't it weird and kinda strange that the word "bargain" is in the BIBLE? but that's why i like the message version so much! *straightforward*)

ok, so i won't be compromising at all what i want.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." - Jer 29:11

long week ahead of all of us, so let's all be encouraging and motivating each other whenever we could. thinking about what we should do after all of these end.. suggestions suggestions!

someone say wif me please... BEN & JERRY'S! FONDUE! ANDERSON'S!

that's before all of us become fat and need to go for gym workouts. for those fat hair that we'd need to get rid of.

(for those that didn't get it.. it's ok. only some people who keep going on about it will! *grinz*)

I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried
Let's do some living after we die
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day

21:54 | com[ments] |

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

i never saw blue like that before
across the sky, around the world
you've given me all you had and more
and no one else has ever shown me how
to see the world the way i see it now
i never saw blue like that

i was looking through the things that we'd have to study for the exams, and sometimes i'd feel so glum over the whole matter. like, totally discouraging and caved in. then in the pep talks that i'd have with myself, i'd constantly remind myself of the fact that God allows all things to happen for a certain reason, and ultimately all of these are just stepping stones in order to mature and grow to be a better christian, and a better child.

but i can't help but feel like a basket case sometimes. i remember in the past, when something bad happens, i'd find some sheer will deep-rooted inside that will muster up all the strength to overcome it all. independence cells were definitely infixed since young, and i never allowed things, or people to stop me. unless i choose to listen to them.

but you know what's the irony out of all these? if someone were to ask me (and someone already did) about what is it that i should let go, if i feel such a drain.. i can't decide. i can't let go of anything either. despite all of the complaints, it's a strangely fulfilling life and at least i know that i'm not wasting my time away. boredom drives me nuts.

ask me to choose a vacation destination and i'll be terribly vexed over the choices. i mean, i love the rustic appeal of suburban places, where there's peace and quiet and serenity; yet beaches are never a problem, and if the place that i'm going has great activity and excitement, it wouldn't defer me from visiting as well. now keryn's talking about going to bangkok with jasper, joel, and jen; and i'm also seriously considering going melbourne to visit hoon & shaobing before returning wif shaobing for chinese new year.

i did one of those magazine surveys yesterday at Cleo, and i'm described to be a planner, a dreamer and an introvert. which are all true! i mean, one of the things that i couldn't even understand in the past was why people had to be floaters! (ok i'm sorry if i'm going to upset people now.. ) seriously, you can't hide from responsibility forever. and the dreamer part, well.. i guess it's true since i always tell myself that whatever we read from the romance novels could happen in real life, and i really just think of things the perfect way. and the introvert part.. i guess so too. i'm not one of those, "come and see me, i'm here!", although i've been told many a times that i have the red eye (or is it the green eye?). the fire only comes on when i'm around people whom i can be myself without being judged.

on a totally different note altogether (yeah i'm real good at changing subjects!)..

you know the thing about technology and i? it's a love/hate relationship. i love it, coz things like handphones are absolutely essential for staying in touch, things like a PDA (which i'm gonna start saving up for), helps people like me (with a tattered and torn planner) to organize myself and my schedules, and things like ipod (yes Nick, i've made up my mind - it's gonna be an ipod for me!) are necessary for people like me who can't do without music, and wishes to escape from the 'noise' of the world. and of course, i can't imagine life without tv & internet. but of course, i wish for a simpler life sometimes, i wish to not always be contactable sometimes, and i wish for moments for no 'noise' of the world that is destuctive so that we can appreciate the goodness of life.

yesterday i managed to talk to stewart in amsterdam, this morning i spoke to kaihong who's in newcastle. plus the emails that i've been writing to shaobing in melbourne, and of course it's been vital to me staying in touch wif robby too. even staying in touch wif my mom and cousin in shanghai.. i don't know how we can do it without these improvements. even my dad has caught up with the hype.. since he can use skype to talk to his brother.

what contradictions! guess nothing is perfect.

lots of things to be doing. besides the usual mugging (which i'm so far back!), i gotta be practicing piano like super faithfully everyday (there goes the lack of sleep once more), dinner wif eugenia, alan and anna on thursday (since it's a double whammy birthday), lessons, worship team gelling on friday nite, work on saturday morning & sunday afternoon, worship practice on saturday evening & dinner wif the G3 for the double whammy birthday (yes yes we just enjoy celebrating birthdays!!).

p.s. please got get alicia keys unplugged cd! it rox big time!

but when i need you, you're almost here
and i know that's not enough
and when i'm with you, i'm close to tears
coz you're only almost here

23:57 | com[ments] |

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

it doesn't really matter now you're gone
you never were around that much to speak of
didn't think that i can't be without you
it couldn't be that hard to be alone

"do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." - matthew 7:1-2

what i used to think is the strongest quality out of us is the fact that we have a God who loves us unconditionally, no matter what. and we learn from time and time, there's a need to be more god-conscious. to love others the way He does. it's a serious battle that we'd endure through, because sometimes, we have setbacks, and sometimes we see no through road.

yet it is becoming my weakest link. ok, not just mine. some of our weakest links.

the reason for us all to end up feeling so tired of all these love/hate matters is simply because of the fact that the people involved are the people we care about. as humans, we realize the grave mistake of taking sides, and try to remain neutral to all grounds, just so that we are able to see the truth. but when the people in question involves the ones we care about, it's just natural that we'd want to protect them, and not want to see them hurt.

i've been thinking. it just doesn't make sense does it? we can be labelled as 'selfish' and not care about our friends, yet would end up feeling as though we're unworthy friends; but when we know of certain truths that would upset feelings, change matters or strain relationships, are we entitled to be 'selfish' and not say anything?

today 1 incident that happened in the past kept lingering in my mind. recalling in poly, what jeffrey did to me still irks my soul wif a strike of thunder. he went around, labelling me 'racist' and thrashing my reputation all around campus. saying things outright in my face, in tutorials and lectures that aren't true and putting me in a tough spot. i wished i had sued him then. at that point, i know that if i really wanted to, i could have.

but what would be the outcome? some fines? public apology? that wouldn't be what i want. besides, i had a super clear conscience and i know that i had no need to be upset over remarks that aren't true. i let it pass. for months it swallowed my life, making situations and life difficult in campus. at that immediate moment, i felt as though i had lost all my friends due to his dumbo mouth and had no one i could trust. imagine the horrible moments, and the dagger eyes staring at you. 'racist' would be the first word when i enter class. i wanted to run. i felt that it was so unfair. i didn't deserve this. i didn't do anything wrong at all.

but i learnt better to not get angry or too worked up. i had a clear conscience. i had nothing to lose. and i know that the real truth will come to light eventually.

i guess it did, if not, i wouldn't have had a bunch of close friends that i can count on right? besides, i know god will punish those who ought to have their just deserts.

and as for jeffrey? let's just say that whatever he does now is none of my business. he can be successful, he can be well-off, he can have the ability to "sweet-mouth" others, poison them with uncalled truths, but to me, he's nothing but a hypocrite. is he forgiven? definitely. if not, i can't be civil when i'm around with him.

but what can be forgiven is not forgotten.

it's the same with T & F. i know in my heart i don't blame them now, but i know it'd take a mile and a leg and the great wall of china for me to forget about what they did.

i ended up feeling so crushed because these were the people that i knew, i loved and felt i could trust. J was once a close friend, T was ... T. and F? let's just say that i'd trust that she knew me better than anyone else. but she had to "bad-mouth" me with super duper ridiculous allegations to the others around who were important in my life, at the same time affecting my family. whatever that is that anyone has with me, it should remain there. why the need to upset and hurt my family as well?

but i will never ever let the opinions of insignificant others affect the view point that people dear to me have gotten of myself. especially when i'm having a clear conscience. what have i got to hide? my best friends might come forth to tell me the truth, which may, in some aspect hurt and upset me. but if someone wanted to protect me from them all, i also know that it's because they see the weak side of me, and the last thing that they'd want is to see me get even more hurt, and become a recluse.

are we being too naive sometimes when we care about our friends? should we expose them to the harm of the world? why can't life be simpler? even in families, conflicts are evident. and it's all because of a slip of a tongue, some words not meant to be said. why are the best things that God created in us are the best weapons that Satan use to destroy our lives?

God gave me eyes to see His love, the wonders of love amongst each other and the glorifying compassion that we should have. Yet ~~satan~~ uses our eyes to educate us on evil, hatred and destruction.

God gave me ears to hear the awesome sounds of His words, sweet nothings that would touch hearts, encouraging words that would last us a lifetime. Yet ~~satan~~ uses our ears to hear accusations never should have been said, vulgarities that never should exist and hurtful pain that would haunt us a lifetime.

God gave me a voice to sing his wonderful Name, to speak tactfully, and to encourage each other. Yet ~~satan~~ uses voice to hurt & destroy feelings, to let thoughts run free like the wind, to allow facades to exist.

it's terribly miserable it feels to have so much unhappiness. so much so much so much.. so much that i can't take it anymore.

i know in all my life, i've never allowed all the tough going get to me. i've never let it crumble me. i've never let it crashed on me. it's this strong will inside my heart that has been inside since i was 5, that i will not, ever ever crumbled. i don't allow myself for such compromises.

but it's just too much now. far too much.

I wish you wanted love
Is it enough?
I'll be your shelter when the weather is rough
And now you should let go
I'd let you love me like I was in your heart
Just trust like I was there from the start

21:36 | com[ments] |