you.me.and a thousand different ways.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

life is full of a pack of lies. deception. hurt. pain. mistrust. betrayal. dishonesty. hypocritcal people. letdown. agony. sadness. tears. sorrowful words. discrimination.

we lead a life of wanting to see the truth. the simple truth of the matter. honesty. fairness. loyalty. justice. wanting to find trust. good integrity. honour. goodness. sincerity.

but as much as we yearn for it, we know it will not happen. it will not occur. not even in the world that we call our home. not even in the definition of friendships. or in the working world where cooperation, teamwork is essential. not even in schools where instead of the so-called educational knowledge, students gain knowledge in hypocrisy, in being cunning.

is this what the world has turned into?

i sit around my place these few days, pondering about things. spending time talking to a few people, but mostly keeping thoughts to myself. the truth of the fact, the realization of the world sank in, and i grew depressed. upset. confused. tired even. how many people we can trust in the world that we live in? how many do we know, whenever we turn to, that person will always be there? how many times have we grew upset, hurt, and disappointed at how the world, or how the person could just turn against us just because of his/her actions?

how many times can people climb from the drop of the stairs and just start climbing to the top of the well again? how many times can the wound be healed totally so that the climb would be smooth? how many times can one see the sunshine?

JUST HOW MANY TIMES CAN ONE DO THAT?!

i know that i might not be able to do it when the next time something like that happens. i know that i might just throw in the towel and give up.

i'm not the only one. and i won't be the only one. we go through these day by day. all of us. everyone.

we're not even talking about physical wounds. what's here, is the wounds inside your heart. inside your soul. wounds that are words are unable to comprehend. wounds that tears just don't explain enough. wounds that even the continuous cutting of the body or the wrist can't erase.

i know there are lots of self-help books. lots of talk shows that speak of the wonderful goodness of the world. and i'd be happy to admit to you that i'm in love with such books, and talkshows that speak of wonderful, beautiful, honest goodness. the impact of the wonderful world that we all yearn to have is what drives me from time to time. these are people who believe in goodness. continuously do so. how many lives have been impacted and changed by chicken soup for the soul? or by oprah?

no, i don't want to talk about anything.
this is my avenue of my thoughts.

many times i've been sitting here at the pc over the past few days, wanting to get thoughts out of my head, and yet; when i want to type out my thoughts, i just feel so.. sad. so discouraged at how man-kind can be so so cruel. so heartless. how people can be so manipulative about lies. how friends could just turn against you, just because of your difference in beliefs. how family can have such hypocrisy existing, when you're supposed to be family.

sometimes its good to be a child. to be a little baby. sometimes its better that we don't grow up. and let things remain the way they are.

and sometimes, it's also easier to runaway.

i've never understood the reason for people who ran. i felt that they are cowards, unable to face the truth. unable to challenge themselves to the truth. but now i understand. because after a point, no matter what, we all give up. just like when our bodies age, so does our hearts.

physical illnesses can be healed by the advances of technology.
but illness of the heart.. we've never found the technology of the cure.

and perhaps, some of us might never will.

14:29 | com[ments] |

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

i got my rejection letter from NTU. sigh.. juz when we have hopes on things, but it comes crashing down. but i'm so thankful that i have god. it's amazing, because no tears were shed. i was discouraged, but yet optimistic about what's to come. my heart is yearning for Him to just show me what He has in store, but i've learnt to be patient, and patient is what i'd be now.

but i guess these few days are the days where i'd need to figure out for myself, just what to do. i'll seek advice, i'll pray about it. i'll be optimistic about it.

sometimes when something like this happens, it just sorta puts your heart, and your spirit down to the sinking point. it did something to mine. same thing as what sharene mentioned, one would feel so lost and helpless. i really am not gonna be sure of what i should do now. serene told me in a nice and tactful way that i should be aware of how good i am accademically, and not let my hopes up too high. i knew she meant well, because i do feel helpless at this point. but what i know she didn't understand, was the reason behind it. i know my reason behind it, and it's called, "a step of faith." and i guess, this is my relationship with God that's being the test subject.

Nope, i'm not going to be discouraged by this. i'm not going to lessen my faith in Him just because of this. it'll be strong, and i'll still pray about it. maybe it's good that i take a good break. i wouldn't know.

anyway, since i have so much time now, might as well happily utilise it and go on a holiday. it'll be great to have the luxury of travelling. maybe.. after my students clear their exams. and when i clear my diploma at piano. i still have theory.. and now wondering if i should pursue it a higher level now. since it'd be real handy if i'm gonna be a piano teacher now.

ok, suddenly it upon me that my goals are much clearer. i don't know what's speaking, but i guess, what's most important now is to clear of my piano by this year, continue to work, community work that kinda thing. we'll see how it goes.

robby, miss you lei!
loretta, thank you for being my absolute best friend and being with me through thick and thin. thanks for your understanding of my life, my personality and never being judgemental of my decisions. i know you will always always be there for me and that i really honestly cherish. thanks for being my bestie!
cheeky, when the times get rough, you really get going! i just want you to know that we really love you so much and it will never go away. just want you to know that we're all here for you, no matter what.
serene, thanks for always being to talk whenever i call. and i know that you care for me soooooooo much dearly as a friend that it probably hurts you a lot to see me going thru some problems. but don't worry, this beautiful is strong and courageous and will not let anything pull her down.

00:07 | com[ments] |

Thursday, May 12, 2005

i'm happily relieved. and thankful that things have come to a good end. thanks for everyone who have been constantly encouraging me and keeping me in your prayers. its very much appreciated!

i'm pretty tired of the lazing around, not doing anything kinda life. but then again, i actually like it, 80% of the time. finally, the break that i truthfully deserved. and what better way to enjoy it than to just slack around, not doing anything much? i just enjoy the luxury of freedom that i have right now. i get to read, sleep in, watch lousy tv, watch oprah, watch dvds, play computer games (although i think i must put a stop to it right now.. its killing my eyes), and on top of everything, i'm still working and i'm still earning money! so i'm still not wasting away my time~!

GOD is GOOD.

at least i've sorta sorted out what is it that i want to do. or what is it that i know i can/cannot do. i have absolutely NO DESIRE to embrace society. i'm literally my own boss, by being a piano teacher. of coz, i'm still waiting for NTU to tell me if i'm in, or out. and sometimes, i do get pretty discouraged, because i don't know if i got in or not. i do know, if i get to NTU, i'll start studying immediately; if not, i'd continue to teach and be at the clinic, finish up on my piano and learn how to drive (finally), and start studying in a few months time. but since i have the freedom (which i'm gratefully thanking God for), i can do a lot of things. and i'm really going to make sure that i maximise it.

maybe i should take up knitting. since i have the time. *grinz*

lor & i were just talking, and we know that we aren't really ready or keen to work for society. she's gonna further her studies i know, after she graduates, and she'd probably take time off for a while again, but i know in the pipelines, we might actually start our own business together, which is really cool because, who doesn't like working with best friends? and sometimes we'd joke about the tai-tai lifestyles that we'd long to have. after we establish our business.

ok, i have to say this. it does get irritating sometimes to know that there are typically horribly kiasu singaporeans on the buses & trains. we see it all the time.. and i just don't understand the rush for it. for the seats on the trains & buses, for the door when the trains/buses stop.. its just completely madness. its insane at some point too. for one thing, they aren't apologetic about it. i think some of them might even be proud of the fact that they've mastered the 101 skills of tackling the door/seat. if they accidentally push you, you won't get any apology from them. ditto if they accidentally whack you too.

sometimes, this is just toooooo embarrassing to know. or to speak of, for that matter.

01:36 | com[ments] |

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

updates once more.. before all else comes in.

sunday..
the toughest thing was to have kept my mouth shut about the surprise that jensen and friends had come up with for may. all things green.. even the cake was green too! but at least it placed a smile on her face so it was a good thing. went out for dinner with the rest of the cousins. was a little irritated, coz.. well, let's just say that maybe i have too much expectations on them. but then again, anna-jie was right. if they don't want to come, i'm not gonna force them. but.. i'd appreciate an earlier notice. so at least, we could plan something else. anyway, it was fun to have dinner at fish & co.. ate seafood platter (shared with eugenia..), laughed a lot. after a while, just seemed to have forgotten about the unhappiness caused earlier. maybe that's the way families are. we just forgive and forget quickly. the guy who sang & played at the restaurant looked rugged, had great guitar skills yet his singing was real horrible.. which was a little bit of a turn off. if there had been someone else that could sing nicer stuff, guess it'd have been better.

monday..
dragged myself out of bed in the morning to go to the beach. it was my first time in a bikini! hey.. there's always a first for everything man.. and well, i was just really tired coz of.. i dunno. stuff. so i decided to stay out of the water, and read vogue and watched the water, the sea, the people and stuff. i knew i was thinking of stuff, but i had no idea what it was really. (crappy?) and actually, i just enjoyed the fact that i was in crowded place yet forlorn at the same time. think joanne & serene were a little irritated by my.. sudden quietness & agitating behaviour. a little.. anti-social. hey, i'd admit that. but, it's not that i was sad or upset by anything. i just needed a little while to just, not be with a group of people all the time.

hey sorry girls.. make it up to you all next time.

they were desperately trying to get dark.. tanning oil all over the body. long periods spend in the sea, lying down on the sun. and i just sat there. but i think i got darker than everyone. maybe it's the genes.

oh yes, i spoke to my paternal grandma on sunday. heard that she's gonna be coming to s'pore to visit us real soon. sounds good. my dad would love it.

00:33 | com[ments] |

Sunday, May 01, 2005

this is probably the one and only time i'd enlarge my fonts, so you all better make sure that you see it~!

happy birthday may chen yingjia aka melissa's sister aka 7th girl in g3!!!
i'm sooooooooo excited!!

ok, updates updates..

had my girls over at my place on friday. well, we shrunk from 8 to 5 of us. but really, it doesn't matter. we had fun. and i have no idea how somebody can lose weight after giving birth! it's amazing.. cheeky, you better teach me your method when it's my turn ok? it's really funny and cozy and warm to be sitting together.. we were having lunch (spaghetti courtesy of me.. [yes, i can cook!]), and eating at the awfully small coffee table (which we're all used to and fond of it), and cheeky was explaining (yet again), the process of giving birth, this time round to jun who wasn't there to listen to it in the first place.. so, imagine the scenario: spaghetti. chew chew. talk talk. suddenly, "ya, the baby is born purple, because of the fact that he's in the water bag.. it's only when you wash him then the normal colour comes out."

how's that for ruining appetites?

but it didn't really. we just enjoyed the company.. and we're making a point to meet up at *gasp~!* kiddy palace every friday so that we can all see our god-son, and we could have lunch together too. i'm just trying to picture the scenario.. think it'll be fun. but it was really nice on friday. we did the usual things. pig out. watch tv. laugh. watch movie. talk. ice-cream. they really cleared my fridge for me, these ladies.

then went to aunt sheela's for dinner. really fun too. think it was the first time i actually went out with them till real late, and the food was wonderful! (thanks aunt sheela!) but it was the fellowship that i enjoyed the most.. thanks to everyone for the wonderful company. we should do it more often!!

i worked on saturday at the clinic in the morning, came back and slacked in the afternoon and had dinner at my grandma's. i bought food over, and we had fun. as usual. there's the debate about getting tables and all for the wedding (so exciting!), and of course, kaile barking non-stop.. i guess we've all gotten used to it at some point or another. guess what's really fun was to be able to sit together and eat and talk real crappy stuff. even with my grandfather we could do that. he's a real joker. and a true gem.

anna jie is talking about bringing me for bridal shows.. wouldn't it be fun!

today's gonna be real exciting too.. but i have to keep my mouth shut about it first.. just in case... ssshhhhhh!!!

monday's the real blazer fun day as well. what was meant to be just a nice day with the PF people, became a big gathering for all poly forum group 1 people! i'm not sure who dan, serene, and joanne rounded up.. but i guess it'll be fun to soak in the sun, and laugh and be real crappy too..

and of course, that gym membership thing that i'm supposed to go with anna jie now, so that she can *clears throat* stay in shape for the upcoming wedding. and of course, to have my own bridal "sister" dress, it's gonna be soooooooo fun!

ok, back to reality. bed time. night night!!

02:20 | com[ments] |