you.me.and a thousand different ways.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

just like i predicted, we're at the point of no return
we can't go backwards, where the corners hadn't turned
i can't control it, if i sink or if i swim
'cause these are the waters that i'm in

the waters at the reservoir were real polluted. fallen leaves floating around, similar to remnants marking the end of an autumn season. the waters were choppy, unlike the usual calm & serene effects it usually possess. the sky was grey, seeming to suggest rain any moment at that point where i stood.

with my journal i sat down on the grass, my wanderlust mind taking supremacy. thoughts flowed, the way they always could when there aren't disruptions. ideas that only belonged to the fantasy took control, the way a dreamer would desire. i know they weren't realistic in today's society, but then again, what was?

the paradox of life just continues to exist everywhere, even during those moments. if music is my life, why did i lack the aptitude to express my moods or emotions whenever i feel like it with the piano? why could i not feel comfortable even if i'm surrounded by the smooth sounds of jazz or harmonising tunes of vocals?

i remembered the last time i visited. with a novel i was at the same spot, engrossed in a love story that only exists in the books. the guys wanted to fish, with the new fishing equipment they purchased just down the road. hooks, shrimps, worms, nets. i watched in amusement occasionally, laughing at the (lack of) fishes we caught. we went there with our bags loaded wif equipment, snacks and drinks; yet we went back empty-handed, except for the equipment. i joked that the next time when they do catch something, i'd be 85; they defended their new-found hobby, insisting that the next time we have dinner, there'd be big fish on the table.

i snapped back to reality, and the spasm of the world stood there, reminding me of my basketful of dreams not realized, hopes not claimed and aspirations not fulfilled. although i can't conjure up what inspired me to have those in the first place, i know they exist for a reason.

they say what doesn't break you makes you stronger. i try to comfort my friends with the same words too. but truly i realized, what actually breaks you makes you stronger and more determined to seek a breakthrough.

but then again, i know that i can make sure that my dreams (& God's dreams) can be greater than the problems in the world. with that said, i am not going to crumble to the limitations but i'll just make all my dreams come true.

the lyrics that we chose for graduation in beatty lingered:

"if you follow your dream, though you're tired of trying, follow your dream no matter how far, give it your best, you'll find success, if you just keep that eye on that star."

i silently mouthed my thanks, closed my journal, and left, knowing that my answers are waiting.

upon those stars.

if it's not what you're made of
you're not what i'm looking for
you were willing, but unable
to give me anymore
there's no way, you're changing
'cause some things will just never be mine
you're not in love this time
but it's alright

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