you.me.and a thousand different ways.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

it doesn't really matter now you're gone
you never were around that much to speak of
didn't think that i can't be without you
it couldn't be that hard to be alone

"do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." - matthew 7:1-2

what i used to think is the strongest quality out of us is the fact that we have a God who loves us unconditionally, no matter what. and we learn from time and time, there's a need to be more god-conscious. to love others the way He does. it's a serious battle that we'd endure through, because sometimes, we have setbacks, and sometimes we see no through road.

yet it is becoming my weakest link. ok, not just mine. some of our weakest links.

the reason for us all to end up feeling so tired of all these love/hate matters is simply because of the fact that the people involved are the people we care about. as humans, we realize the grave mistake of taking sides, and try to remain neutral to all grounds, just so that we are able to see the truth. but when the people in question involves the ones we care about, it's just natural that we'd want to protect them, and not want to see them hurt.

i've been thinking. it just doesn't make sense does it? we can be labelled as 'selfish' and not care about our friends, yet would end up feeling as though we're unworthy friends; but when we know of certain truths that would upset feelings, change matters or strain relationships, are we entitled to be 'selfish' and not say anything?

today 1 incident that happened in the past kept lingering in my mind. recalling in poly, what jeffrey did to me still irks my soul wif a strike of thunder. he went around, labelling me 'racist' and thrashing my reputation all around campus. saying things outright in my face, in tutorials and lectures that aren't true and putting me in a tough spot. i wished i had sued him then. at that point, i know that if i really wanted to, i could have.

but what would be the outcome? some fines? public apology? that wouldn't be what i want. besides, i had a super clear conscience and i know that i had no need to be upset over remarks that aren't true. i let it pass. for months it swallowed my life, making situations and life difficult in campus. at that immediate moment, i felt as though i had lost all my friends due to his dumbo mouth and had no one i could trust. imagine the horrible moments, and the dagger eyes staring at you. 'racist' would be the first word when i enter class. i wanted to run. i felt that it was so unfair. i didn't deserve this. i didn't do anything wrong at all.

but i learnt better to not get angry or too worked up. i had a clear conscience. i had nothing to lose. and i know that the real truth will come to light eventually.

i guess it did, if not, i wouldn't have had a bunch of close friends that i can count on right? besides, i know god will punish those who ought to have their just deserts.

and as for jeffrey? let's just say that whatever he does now is none of my business. he can be successful, he can be well-off, he can have the ability to "sweet-mouth" others, poison them with uncalled truths, but to me, he's nothing but a hypocrite. is he forgiven? definitely. if not, i can't be civil when i'm around with him.

but what can be forgiven is not forgotten.

it's the same with T & F. i know in my heart i don't blame them now, but i know it'd take a mile and a leg and the great wall of china for me to forget about what they did.

i ended up feeling so crushed because these were the people that i knew, i loved and felt i could trust. J was once a close friend, T was ... T. and F? let's just say that i'd trust that she knew me better than anyone else. but she had to "bad-mouth" me with super duper ridiculous allegations to the others around who were important in my life, at the same time affecting my family. whatever that is that anyone has with me, it should remain there. why the need to upset and hurt my family as well?

but i will never ever let the opinions of insignificant others affect the view point that people dear to me have gotten of myself. especially when i'm having a clear conscience. what have i got to hide? my best friends might come forth to tell me the truth, which may, in some aspect hurt and upset me. but if someone wanted to protect me from them all, i also know that it's because they see the weak side of me, and the last thing that they'd want is to see me get even more hurt, and become a recluse.

are we being too naive sometimes when we care about our friends? should we expose them to the harm of the world? why can't life be simpler? even in families, conflicts are evident. and it's all because of a slip of a tongue, some words not meant to be said. why are the best things that God created in us are the best weapons that Satan use to destroy our lives?

God gave me eyes to see His love, the wonders of love amongst each other and the glorifying compassion that we should have. Yet ~~satan~~ uses our eyes to educate us on evil, hatred and destruction.

God gave me ears to hear the awesome sounds of His words, sweet nothings that would touch hearts, encouraging words that would last us a lifetime. Yet ~~satan~~ uses our ears to hear accusations never should have been said, vulgarities that never should exist and hurtful pain that would haunt us a lifetime.

God gave me a voice to sing his wonderful Name, to speak tactfully, and to encourage each other. Yet ~~satan~~ uses voice to hurt & destroy feelings, to let thoughts run free like the wind, to allow facades to exist.

it's terribly miserable it feels to have so much unhappiness. so much so much so much.. so much that i can't take it anymore.

i know in all my life, i've never allowed all the tough going get to me. i've never let it crumble me. i've never let it crashed on me. it's this strong will inside my heart that has been inside since i was 5, that i will not, ever ever crumbled. i don't allow myself for such compromises.

but it's just too much now. far too much.

I wish you wanted love
Is it enough?
I'll be your shelter when the weather is rough
And now you should let go
I'd let you love me like I was in your heart
Just trust like I was there from the start

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