you.me.and a thousand different ways.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

almost 2 weeks since i wrote something. i can't begin to tell you the amount of times i've set down here, just thinking about what it is that i want to write.

but my words become numb to the world. sometimes whatever that is that i'm dying to burst out just decides to shelf itself back to the closet. so it's not that i've not tried. i just hadn't been able to express myself properly.

actually, yes there have been happenings. so much so that i seek solace in my books every night. not exactly the best thing to do, but at least i'm escaping from everything. the late nights are coming back in once more. not by choice. i'm usually pretty much brain dead by 11pm. but its at these times where i'd find peace. and able to concentrate more. maybe not extremely productive, but it's a start.

time and again, i'm reminded by what my mother told me during her last return. time and again, i'm reminded that i'm the only 1 standing on this platform. time and again, i feel thankful that i'm not having another person to share the burden with me. time and again, i wish that there's someone to just gently nudge me that everything's ok.

it's really difficult because i'm undecisive 99.9% of the time. what is it that i want? what is it that i desire? and even if i think that it's what i desire, is it really for me? i feel as though i'm just standing in the middle of the see-saw. sometimes walking towards one end, to the point of sitting down and making it my decision. but at the last minute, i retreat from it and walk back to the centre again.

yes it's times like this where i wish that maybe, things had worked out between terence & i. because at least, there's someone to share the burden. but when i have thoughts like this, i'm gently reminded of the fact that he was the one that let go of the relationship a very long time ago, even before everything came to an awful end. then i'm reminded of the fact that he was the one that realized that it wasn't working out but refused to discuss it before coming to a decision. leaving me drenched in the rain.

sometimes when i'm doing my own bible study, i'd hear about husbands & wives who struggle through their marriage. even pastors. to the brink of breaking up. having a separation. divorce even. then god says, we shouldn't give up. breaking up means giving up. and so forth.

but last night i realized. someone has got to die. of coz, not the dead dead. but really more of dying in the heart. if there's going to be a reconciliation between 2 people, someone has got to die. someone has to admit defeat. someone has to admit his/her mistakes.

it's just that as humans, we are too selfish and too stubborn to do that.

if i get hurt by the same person once more, and i don't feel the pain, i've died. but now, even when i'm punched and i'm still reacting defiantly, with anger and rage and disappointment, yes i'm not dead yet.

guess growing up and letting go is never an easy journey. but it's not always abt hurt from this. there's more den just BGR when it comes to pain of relationships.

so, coming back to what was mentioned by my mother. in a lot of ways now, it's become a 1-woman show. because i'm fighting for my own now. fighting on my own. nobody else is going to be responsibile.

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