you.me.and a thousand different ways.

Monday, March 28, 2005

finally done with the first paper, which didn't go very well since i actually blank out halfway through. but leaving it all to god really now. i don't want to think about the paper anymore.

actually am taking a real big risk by choosing to not memorise anything for the papers. depending on 1 big word: understanding. i'm not sure how it'd actually work, but since tomorrow's paper is an e-paper, it actually cuts down on the things that i need to study for, since everything should be there for me.

but i'm faithful in prayer. just want to make sure that everything goes on well now.

thinking about what i'd be doing once the exams are over and done with. actually should be on the lookout for a fulltime job, but i'm thinking of continuing my education, and somehow i feel that teaching piano is enough to cover my expenses for now. so i think i'd be contented to focus on that. aside from teaching, liangyi and i would be taking time once a week to volunteer ourselves at the christian outreach for the handicapped. think it's really for a real good cause and i can't wait to get started! with my sis-in-christ as well! we'd have so much fun! and of coz, i'm going to try to hit the gym. read. watch dvds. practice piano. cross-stitch. play computer games.

talk about a slacker lifestyle. feeling the lethargicness that hit upon me 3 years ago when i was done with the 'o' levels, where all i wanted to do was just laze at home. and thankfully, i got the break that i wanted. this time round, the heaviness in my heart after all that i've went through in the last few years is enough to tire me for a real longer time. but what's different as compared now is that really, my perception of things have indeed changed for the better. and when i say better, i mean more godly.

was talking to liangyi during lunch today about our expectations of ourselves. and sometimes, we just keep praying so much for what we want, but what we want might not be what God wants. so it's not that He doesn't answer our prayers. He just doesn't answer to everything that you ask for, because whatever that you ask for might not be what He wants you to have. what we need to do is just seek Him, and continue to trust Him even if He puts some real awful & messy stuff to hurt you.

We did a lot of things to hurt Him too. that's why, He died on the cross for us.

there's a song that i heard that goes something like this: -

My mind was filled with anger, my heart was filled with shame.
This man brought only healing; who could bring him pain?
Why does it seem the strong always victimize the weak?

"Who nailed him there? This child of peace and mercy?"
"Who nailed him there? Come and face me like a man."
"Who nailed him there?" Then the crowd began to mock me.
I cried "Oh my God, I just don't understand!"

Then I turned and saw the hammer in my hand.

i've never had the guts to watch passion of the christ. partly because i know it's just too brutal for me, and also, i'm one of those people who can just visualise stuff, and everytime i imagine what my saviour daddy did for me, i feel so ashamed. because i nailed him there. but when i finally did catch a snip of it (and i'm so sure it's not from passion of the christ anyway) i juz felt so.. overwhelmed with emotions. i was tearing and tearing throughout the whole performance.

this is how much He loves me. and i'm so undeserving of his love. yet what i got from him is this unconditional love that can never be replaced. so to answer someone's question,

of course i'd love to have a boyfriend. but honestly, i'm so happily contented with what i have, it doesn't need to be here. it'll be here when it's time.

it's through these hurts that provide an avenue for you to realize that He's faithful.
it's through these tears that create a paveway for you to realize that no matter what, there's always something better in store.
even in times of doubt, we must continue to believe in what is best for us. even though we don't see it.

bryan, i'm praying for you!
everyone else, keep me in your prayers!

just a few more days before the carefree lifestyle is for me to embrace~!

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